Black, White and Everything in Between
by Hot elf
Summary: For the longest time, Cass Hawke has waited for Fenris to make up his mind about the night they spent together. When she meets Nathaniel Howe in the Deep Roads, she is fascinated by the broody archer and begins to consider other options...
1. Another Amell

_A/N: This story is about a love triangle between Fenris, Nathaniel Howe and my Cass Hawke. And because apparently at least one person misunderstood it, let me just explain that the title refers to the two guys' hair colour. And to the moral questions Cass has to deal with.  
_

* * *

**Chapter 1 - Another Amell**

Nathaniel Howe was getting desperate. Surrounded by darkspawn on all sides, he couldn't fire his arrows fast enough to keep them all in check. But he had to survive, had to get out of the Deep Roads and find help, or it would be too late for Temmerin and the others. And then, suddenly, a crossbow bolt whizzed past his ear, and lightning was raining down on the attacking hurlocks. Within minutes, the attack was beaten off. He turned to see a group of people walking towards him, led by a dark-haired woman in fine, light armour.

"You're the Champion of Kirkwall, aren't you?" He lowered his bow.

She nodded. "Call me Hawke. Or Cass, if you prefer."

Cassandra Hawke. Easy to recognize from the descriptions in the dossier Leonie had handed him before he set out for this expedition. The Commander had considered it important for him to be prepared, especially in light of the fact that the Champion was a close relation of her own predecessor, the Hero of Ferelden.

"Another Amell." Leonie's expressive mouth had curved up into a smirk. "There must be _something_ special about that family, don't you think?"

He had just nodded, refusing to be baited. There was a cruel streak in Leonie's character, and it wouldn't do to admit any weakness. But it had shaken him considerably, this reminder of Morena Amell. It was almost five years since she had died, not slain in battle or killed by the taint, but poisoned in the safety of her own home, by someone she had trusted. In a way, it had been a fitting ending for a woman who had spread her fair share of venom herself. Morena hadn't been an innocent victim, far from it.

Yet some part of him still hurt at the memory of loving her and losing her. Their relationship had never been sweet or romantic. There had been more fighting than cuddling, more violent passion than tenderness. But he had loved her, more than he had ever loved a woman, and he'd been sure she loved him as well. It had taken him a long time to get over her betrayal, and if it hadn't been for Loghain and the constant support and advice the older man had given him, he'd probably still wallow in self-pity.

And now he was faced with her cousin. _Another Amell. And she's a mage as well_. He took a closer look at Cass. There was a resemblance, but it was faint, just something about her eyes and mouth. Her hair was just as thick and black, but her skin was pale and she was taller and less curvy. A beautiful woman, but the expression on her face was harsh and proud. She was accompanied by a beardless dwarf - he had to be Varric Tethras, Bartrand's brother. And an Elven warrior, whose skin was covered in elaborate silvery tattoos. _Fascinating_. But Nathaniel lost all interest in the others for a moment when he realized who had been hiding behind her. A tall blond man in mage robes stepped to the front.

"Anders?" He knew he sounded incredulous. What was the mage doing here, in the Champion's company? Could this possibly be a coincidence? They both tried to keep the brief exchange that followed as light and superficial as possible, but the tension was palpable, and the Champion didn't miss it. Her eyes narrowed as she watched them, and the look she gave Anders made it clear she would make it her business to get behind the mystery later.

She was quick to focus on the task at hand, though, and with her help, the remaining darkspawn were soon driven back. Nathaniel was impressed by the power of her spells. He hadn't seen a battlemage like her since... well, since Morena's death. The elf, Fenris, never left her side, and it was obvious they were close, but Nathaniel noticed they went out of their way to avoid touching. When Fenris took a nasty wound fighting an ogre, Cass was at his side immediately, a worried look on her face, but she left it to the dwarf to apply the much-needed poultice. Nathaniel was intrigued.

When the last foes had been slain, they said their goodbyes. As they were leaving, Cass turned and threw him an appraising glance. "Stay safe, Nathaniel. And come and see me at the Amell estate when you're in Kirkwall. I would like to talk more with you."

He didn't quite succeed at hiding his surprise, but he assented with a nod. He too had a number of questions.

* * *

When Nathaniel arrived in Kirkwall two weeks later, the streets were abuzz with rumours of the Champion's latest exploits. A High Dragon had terrorized the miners at the Bone Pit. No longer. The Champion had seen to that. Nathaniel was impressed in spite of himself.

A shy Elven servant opened the door of the large town house and showed him to a small but comfortable study. A fire was burning in the fireplace, and the bookshelves were well stocked. He had just spotted the usual collection of Brother Genitivi's travelogues when the door opened and Cass walked in.

"Nathaniel Howe." Cass looked genuinely pleased to see him. She was wearing a short house dress and had let her hair down. The last time he had seen her, she had been in armour. _No robes_. But that wasn't surprising, really. After all, she had been an apostate for all of her life.

Morena had loved long, heavy robes. She'd always claimed they'd kept her warm in the inhospitable Fereldan weather. And she'd never seemed bothered by them in battle. Having grown up in the Circle, she would probably have felt uncomfortable in any other form of dress. And the robes had suited her, emphasizing her curves, offering tantalizing glimpses of her soft brown skin whenever she moved...

Shaking off the memories, Nathaniel greeted Cass with a wary smile. "Hawke."

"Will you have a glass of wine and some cheese with me?" When he nodded, she gave a sign to the servant, and a few minutes later they were seated in comfortable armchairs in front of the fire, sharing the meal in companionable silence.

Cass wasn't much of a talker, but her sharp eyes were fixed on his face most of the time, missing nothing. When she finally spoke, her voice was cool and clear, her tone decisive. "You're a Grey Warden. Tell me about the situation in Ferelden. The darkspawn. The new commander at Vigil's Keep. It's not often we get news from such a reliable source."

They talked for more than an hour, mostly Nathaniel telling her what he was allowed to divulge, occasionally interrupted by a probing question from her. She was very bright, he realized, and very quick to spot what was important. Easy to talk to, at least until she turned her attention to more personal matters.

"You knew my cousin well, it seems. What was she like? The Hero of Ferelden?"

He laughed, a short, bitter laugh. "Morena? I am not sure I ever really knew her. Why not ask Anders?"

"Anders!" Cass rolled her eyes impatiently. "In Anders' eyes she could do no wrong. Look, Nathaniel, I'll be blunt. I know you were in love with her, and I know what she did to you. Anders told me that much, even if he was conspicuously silent as to his own role in it."

"Of course he was." Nathaniel didn't bother hiding his contempt. "He knew it all, Cass. All the time she kept me in thrall with her little tricks, she was secretly sleeping with him. Anders betrayed us all, just as much as she did. They were childhood companions, lovers, the best of friends. All the rest of us, we were just tools for her ambition or playthings to be enjoyed and then discarded."

Cass' face hardened. "It seems my cousin was a manipulative bitch."

Nathaniel closed his eyes, the feelings of shame and hurt returning. "Yes, she was. Manipulative, cheating, power-hungry and selfish. And utterly charming, incredibly full of life, fascinating, fierce... I wish it was that easy."

Cass frowned. "Still, she must have been ruthless. To abuse her magic in such a manner..."

He raised an eyebrow. "She certainly had few qualms about it. But you're a mage too. Are you saying you wouldn't use blood magic?"

"Oh, I do." Cass laughed at his shocked expression. "When things get tough in battle. I would do anything that gives me an edge in a fight. How do you think I survived for such a long time? And it doesn't get any easier."

For the first time, he noticed the bandage around her left calf and the red, burnt skin on her ankle. Her gaze followed his, and she smiled. "Anders did his best, but it will take a few days to heal. The dragon put up quite a fight." Her smile vanished. "But I would never use blood magic on my lover. I couldn't do that. It would be... dishonest."

_And you are far too straightforward to lie. _Nathaniel was fascinated. No, she was not like Morena. Just as beautiful, true, but apart from that...

With a deep sigh he put down his glass. "Time for me to go, I'm afraid. But I would like to see you again, Cass, if I may. I'm sure my duties will take me to Kirkwall from time to time in the months to come. So..."

"You're welcome at my house whenever you're in town." She smiled warmly at him. "I like you, Nathaniel. I shall be looking forward to your visits."

Nathaniel realized his heart was beating faster at her words. When he took his leave with a chaste kiss on her cheek, he was certain he would be back.

* * *

_Many, many thanks to zevgirl for taking on another long story of mine. _

_In case some of you are wondering: Nate's background story can be found in more detail in my story "Murder at Vigil's Keep". You won't have to read it to follow this story, but maybe you'll enjoy it anyway.  
_


	2. Tired of Waiting

**Chapter 2 - Tired of Waiting**

Cass Hawke found plenty of things to keep her busy in the months to come. Kirkwall was hardly the place to get bored. There was never a shortage of damsels to be rescued, gangs to be routed, demons to be slain. Everyone assumed the Champion would be there to take care of their little problems for them. Some part of her acknowledged she was the ideal person to deal with the troubles, which was why she rarely refused to help.

That didn't mean she had to be gracious about it, though. Her snappy answers earned her dark looks, more often than not, but she didn't have the patience to be more diplomatic. And there was no denying she got results. Orsino asked for her help on a regular basis, and even Meredith respected her. Not bad for an apostate mage, a refugee from Ferelden who had started out as a mercenary in the slums of Lowtown.

And she had found good friends here in Kirkwall. People she could rely on in a fight. But more than that, trustworthy companions who were there for her when she needed them and helped her relax and forget about her responsibilities now and again.

"You know what you need, Hawke?" Isabela threw her a sultry look over the rim of her ale tankard.

They were in Varric's suite at the Hanged Man, playing cards. Cass wouldn't ever admit it, but those nights she spent joking and laughing with Varric and Isabela were what kept her sane.

"I think I can guess." Cass' tone was dry, but this didn't deter Isabela.

"Well, it's true." The pirate pouted. "How long has it been since you and-"

"Isabela!" Cass' voice held a clear warning. "Keep your nose out of my affairs!"

"Alright, alright." Isabela raised her hands in a gesture of wounded innocence. "All I'm saying is you would be more relaxed if there actually _were_ any affairs. It's not good for you, you know. You might... dry up."

"I'm perfectly fine, Isabela, thank you." Cass rolled her eyes. The pirate was the only one she ever talked to about her love life, but tonight Isabela was more than a little drunk and obnoxious. She was glad when the pirate finally abandoned the topic and went back to teasing Varric about his chest hair.

Still, Isabela wasn't completely wrong. More than once at night, when she was done fighting blood mages and arguing with templars, she allowed her thoughts to wander to the man she had met in the Deep Roads. _Nathaniel Howe._ There was no doubt he was attractive. Tall, well-built and in good shape, an accomplished archer and a skilled fighter with his daggers. Cass liked men who were good at what they did. Competent, independent men.

She liked his eyes, clear and grey, his hair, even the ridiculous little goatee he sported. And his voice... She had to suppress a shiver when she thought of his voice, hoarse, rough, carrying a promise of dark passion that touched a nerve deep inside her. No, he wasn't an easy man to forget.

And he seemed just as fascinated by her. As he had promised, he found opportunities to travel to Kirkwall, and he never failed to look her up and spend an evening at her place. His visits became a pleasant routine neither of them wanted to miss. They sat for hours in her study, discussing fighting strategies, comparing notes on the political situation or simply enjoying a quiet glass of wine in front of the fireplace.

Yet for the longest time their relationship remained purely friendly. No matter what Isabela suggested, Cass wasn't looking for a quick affair. Her life was complicated enough. And Nathaniel seemed content to take his time, to get to know her better. But then, one night, he ran into Fenris as he arrived. The elf had just returned a book he had borrowed from Cass, and he glanced darkly at the visitor, mumbling something unintelligible.

Nathaniel seemed intrigued. As soon as they had settled down he looked at Cass searchingly. "So... what is going on with you and the elf?"

He tried to keep his voice casual, but she wasn't fooled. There was definitely... something there. Jealousy? Worry? Possessiveness? Her heart beat faster for a moment, and she allowed a brief smile to play around her lips. Then she grew serious again. With a sigh, she rubbed her nose. "I wish I knew. We spent a night together two years ago, but apparently he couldn't deal with the memories it brought back. He was a slave, you know, and his old master mistreated him in Maker knows how many ways. And there are other things... Anyway, since then he's kept his distance and we've been... just friends, I guess." She took a deep breath and decided to be direct. "Why do you want to know?"

Nathaniel raised an eyebrow at her bluntness. "Just curious whether I might step on somebody's toes." He stretched out a hand and let it trail along her jaw, his gaze never leaving hers.

Cass felt a wave of sadness, even as his touch made her tremble. Time to make a decision. "He doesn't own me. And I'm tired of waiting."

"In that case..." His face moved closer to hers very slowly, giving her every opportunity to withdraw, but she kept still.

When his lips tentatively brushed against hers, she couldn't hold back a soft moan. He smiled at that, his hand cupping her head, pulling her closer.

It was a sweet kiss, with only the smallest hint of tongue, and she felt a pleasant frisson at the thought of what was to come. _He knows what he's doing. Good. _She slid out of her chair and knelt down in front of him, placing her hands on his thighs. "Do that again."

Her voice sounded unfamiliar to her own ears, deep and husky. He obliged willingly, deepening the kiss this time, savouring her taste, the softness of her full lips, the small sigh she swallowed. Again and again they kissed, until her lips felt bruised and her breath was coming in quick gasps. She shifted in his arms, flinching when her knees protested against kneeling on the hard floor.

"Don't you think we should take this someplace more comfortable?" Nathaniel's tone held equal parts desire and amusement.

Cass took his hand, pulling him down onto the huge bearskin rug in front of the fire. "Comfortable enough for you?"

"Oh, yes." He laughed, sounding relaxed and utterly at ease. "You know I'm no pampered nobleman, don't you?"

They both took their time undressing the other, discovering each other's bodies, experimenting with different touches. She was almost as tall as he was, and strong from wielding her staff, but his wide shoulders made her look as lithe as a young birch. His skin felt right on hers, warm and comfortable, yet with a tingle of excitement.

There was a little fumbling before they had found the perfect angle, but she didn't mind. Her soft little laugh turned into a long drawn-out sigh when he slid inside her. _Oh Maker, yes!_ She hadn't even realized how much she had missed this. When he moved, she pulled him closer, revelling in the way their bodies fit together

"Nathaniel!" She didn't close her eyes. It was so easy to open herself up to him, to let him see what she was feeling. There was no doubt in her mind that this would be more than just a fling. She wanted more of him, more of _this_, and she was sure he felt the same.

Afterwards they lay stretched out on the rug, his arms around her body, her chin resting on his chest. She had taken a thin woollen blanket from a chair and covered them both. He played with her hair, staring pensively into the fire. "So what now?"

She kissed his neck. "Nothing much for the time being, I'm afraid. You go back to Vigil's Keep, and I have my obligations here in Kirkwall. We'll just have to make time for each other whenever we can."

"And the elf?" He pulled her up so that he could look into her eyes. "What if he changes his mind?"

She sighed, but she didn't flinch or look away. He deserved her honesty. "I don't know, Nathaniel. Being with you... it feels right, but it's early days yet. And Fenris is dear to me, a loyal friend." Her gaze was unwavering. "I don't know what I would do. I'm not sure I could resist him, to be honest."

For a moment it seemed he would protest, but he refrained, having obviously decided not to push. "Very well. I appreciate your honesty, even if I don't like your answer. Fenris... Why him? Why not Anders? I've seen the way he looks at you, and most women find the mage irresistible, I'm told." The bitterness in his voice spoke volumes.

Cass snorted. "Quite frankly, Anders is a mess. A disaster waiting to happen. Besides, for Anders I'd only ever be a replacement for Morena. And he's just as manipulative as she was. Those Circle mages are completely messed up, all of them. I won't be blackmailed into loving him."

"And yet you seemed friendly enough with him," Nathaniel observed.

"Why not?" Cass shrugged. "He's charming, invaluable as a healer, and we're pretty much on the same page as far as the mage issue is concerned."

Nathaniel sighed. "The mage issue. It's all anyone ever talks about in Kirkwall. How can you stand it?" He gently cupped her cheek. "Are you sure you don't want to come back with me? We could find a place for you at the Keep. You'd be safe from Meredith there."

She shook her head. "No. I'm needed here. And I'm not afraid of the Knight-Commander. Come on!" She pulled him in for another kiss. "Let's make the most of the time we have."

* * *

_Many thanks to my faithful beta zevgirl!_


	3. So Good Together

**Chapter 3 - So Good Together**

Cass Hawke was angry. Seriously angry. If there was one thing she hated from the bottom of her heart, it was being lied to. This particular lie had taken the form of an elaborate story about an Antivan criminal, and it had brought her out to Sundermount when she had better things to do. The "criminal" had turned out to be Zevran Arainai, a former companion of her cousin, the hero, and an old acquaintance of Anders'.

And now Nuncio, who had lied to her so blithely, had the temerity to accuse _her_ of not keeping up her end of the bargain. When his assassins attacked, she took a savage joy in hurling lightning and ice at them. She was pleased, however, when Zevran turned up to help, as promised.

It was a relief when the fight was over and they could return to Kirkwall. But not before the Antivan, who had eyed her all the time with obvious interest, came up with an explicit suggestion that would have made a more innocent girl blush.

She was about to answer Zevran, when Fenris stepped in, his deep voice scathing. "How much do you wish to test that luck of yours?"

The assassin backed off immediately with a charming smile and a flippant reply, but Cass threw Fenris a sharp look. She hadn't been interested in the Antivan's proposal; he wasn't her type, and even if he had been, casual sex wasn't high on her list of priorities. But she resented the implied possessiveness of Fenris' remark. What right did he have to interfere? And yet... a small part of her swooned at the thought of him staking his claim on her. All the way home to Kirkwall, she pondered what to do before finally setting out toward his mansion at night.

Fenris was waiting for her, pacing in front of the fire. He had taken off his gauntlets, but kept on his armour. She was glad of it, considering what touching him would do to her. Even the briefest thought of the lyrium tingling against her palm made her shiver.

"So what was that about?" Cass flinched when she realized how abrupt she sounded. And sure enough, her tone set him off immediately.

"What was that about?" The rage was already there, distorting his fine features. "Am I supposed to watch you with another, _again_?" He was trembling, and she realized he was close to breaking.

"What do you mean, 'again'?" She fought to keep her voice gentle.

"Don't play the innocent!" Blight it, he was getting more and more angry. "I know what happened between you and Howe."

"And it's none of your business!" And there she was, screaming back at him. _Maker, is there no way for us to have a conversation without shouting? _"What do you expect me to do, Fen? Wait for you forever until you've sorted out your feelings?"

Yes, she'd been with another. And it hadn't been just a physical thing. She liked Howe, very much so in fact. But deep in her heart Cass knew none of this would have happened if she thought there was a chance to have Fenris back. But he had been so remote, all through the past two years. And it had hurt her, the carefully maintained distance, even though she knew the reason for it. Oh, he had been friendly, and there had been no mistaking the fact he cared about her, but he'd been so careful not to get too close.

But she was close to him now, backing him against the wall, and she could feel his body heat. "Just so you know, I didn't care for the Antivan. I didn't need you to tell me what to do!"

"I didn't-" He growled in frustration and grabbed her hard by the shoulders, twisting her around so that he was pinning her to the wall now, breathing hard. "Cass, we need to talk. We never spoke about that night, two years ago-"

"What is there to talk about? I wasn't the one who walked out." All the pain and betrayal she had felt came rushing back, all the anger at him for leaving her, all the bitter loneliness of the time in between. Her hands went up to his wrists, trying to free herself from his grasp, but the moment she touched his markings, they both gasped in shock.

Cass felt as if she would die with pleasure when the lyrium reacted violently with her magic. For more than two years, she had denied herself even the memory of what it had felt like that night, that incredible rush of desire coursing through her veins, the tingling feeling of power and lust and unstoppable _need_ that suffused her whole body, leaving her literally no _choice_ but to answer its call.

Suddenly they were kissing, their lips and tongues meeting in a furious dance, and they both knew there was no way they could stop, no way they could step back from this. Fenris was shaking just as much as she was, tearing off her dress without the slightest bit of restraint, so greedy was he to feel her against his skin. Moments later, without quite knowing how it had happened, they were both naked on the bed, and she was pressed along his slim, muscled torso, touching his markings, hearing the lyrium sing to her, like a soft caress all over her body.

They both lost control completely, just like they had two years ago. For a few blissful hours neither of them was able to think beyond touching, tasting, drinking in the other. The metallic tang of lyrium on her tongue, the salty taste of her sweat on his lips, the silkiness of his skin, the scent of her hair, were all that counted. Again and again, she screamed in his arms, floating on sensations so intense she wasn't sure whether she would ever be able to think clearly again.

But when they finally let go of each other, Fenris immediately withdrew to the other side of the bed, careful not to touch her again, his face a mask of pain and frustration.

"Cass, what... Oh Maker, we can't do this any more." He sounded so desperate and forlorn that she managed to fight back her irritation.

"What are you saying, Fen? Was it that terrible?" She bit her lip. "Is it the memories again?"

Fenris shook his head with a bitter laugh. "It was perfect. You know it was. Just like last time. And I can deal with the memories."

"Then why-"

"Can't you see?" His eyes were closed, and he forced the words out between clenched teeth. "We don't have a choice in this. We're pushed into it by your magic and my lyrium, and whatever it is that happens when we touch. I... I can't afford to lose control like this, and neither can you." The pain in his voice cut her to the heart. "Touching you... I don't know what I'm doing any more. I could have hurt you, Cass." Ignoring her impatient shake of the head, he went on. "And I don't want this. I need to know what I'm doing. I need to know if what I'm feeling is real or just the lyrium."

"So are you saying this is all it ever was? Just the lyrium?" She stared at him, too shocked and hurt to hide her feelings.

"No, Cass." He calmed down a little, his eyes begging her to understand. "No. You know that isn't true. I... I care about you. Very much so. But don't you see? I can't just hand myself over to a mage again. Danarius... I need to stay in control. There is no future for us, none at all."

She motioned for him to stop and nodded, even as tears welled up in her eyes, making it difficult to see. She knew he was right. This had been a stupid and reckless thing to do.

It wasn't as if they were the best of friends anyway. Ever since she'd met him, that night at the alienage, they had fought about anything and everything. Mages' rights. Templar transgressions. Demons. Preachers. They couldn't even agree on what equipment to buy for him.

All they had going for them was mutual respect and that wild spark between them, and it wasn't enough to build a life together, it couldn't be, not with the many things that separated them. At the end of the day, she was just another mage to him. And she couldn't change for him, couldn't become a different person.

An image of Nathaniel flashed in front of her inner eye. _Nathaniel._ A man who wouldn't need her to change. A man who wanted her just as she was, mage and all. A good man, kind and considerate, a man she could talk to and laugh with. True, they hadn't made each other any promises, but Cass knew something was growing there, something with the potential to be good. Something real.

And yet...

"Blight it, Fen, we are so _good_ together." She swallowed.

"But we're not good for each other." He refused to even meet her eye. "Please leave, Cass. I need to be alone."

She got up and got dressed, even though her arms and legs felt too heavy to move. When she left he was still sitting in a corner of the bed, staring into space.

* * *

_Hugs and thanks to zevgirl who's always so gentle with her criticism and yet manages to keep me from going wrong._


	4. Nighttime Visitors

**Chapter 4 - Nighttime Visitors**

Cass Hawke had already gone to bed when Bodahn announced a visitor, disapproval at the breach of etiquette written plainly on his face. Cass threw on a coat over her nightdress and followed him down to the study, wondering idly who would call on her at this late hour. Hector was trailing faithfully along at her side. She was perfectly capable of defending herself, even without her staff, but the huge mabari's presence was reassuring anyway. The moment she stepped over the threshold, however, she knew she was safe.

Nathaniel was waiting for her near the fireplace, just like last time. He looked tired and worn, his leather armour covered in mud. But his handsome face lit up when he saw her, with a genuine joy that took her breath away. She had been uncertain what to do, determined to talk to him first and tell him about Fenris, see how he would react. But suddenly it seemed the most natural thing in the world to just walk over to him and melt into his arms. Bodahn retired discreetly, taking the mabari with him.

"Cass." The sound of Nathaniel's voice, so rough and hoarse, sent shivers down her spine. "I've missed you."

His kiss was far less gentle than last time, deep and hungry, and when he pulled her close, she could feel his need, feel how much he wanted her.

"Come on." She took his hand and led him up the stairs. No bearskin rug this time. She wanted him in her bed, wanted time to enjoy this.

But they barely made it up to her room, and once they were inside, his hands were everywhere, demanding, greedy, his lips hot on her skin. As soon as his armour was gone, they sank onto the bed together. Cass was surprised by his eagerness, but it was contagious, and soon she was as impatient as he was, spreading her legs wide for him, guiding him inside her. He gave a curious strangled noise when he felt her heat, and bit his lip hard. It was obvious he wouldn't be able to hold back long.

"Cass, I'm sorry." His hips moved almost of their own accord and then he tensed inside her before spending himself with a ragged groan, cursing as he did so. Cass was sorely tempted to add a few invectives of her own. Impatiently she grabbed his hand and pushed it down between her legs, grinding herself against his palm. He took the hint and with a few well-placed strokes, brought her over the edge as well.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, pulling her close again. "I'll make it up to you, but it's been so long..."

"No others?" She raised a disbelieving eyebrow at him, but he shook his head.

"No, no others." He pushed himself up on his elbows and looked at her with a frank, open gaze that made her shift uncomfortably. "There's no one else I want, Cass. Just you."

She couldn't bear to look at him, and his face hardened. "What is it? Is this about the elf? Did he come back to you?"

Cass swallowed. "He came back and left again."

"And what now?" Nathaniel was clearly struggling to keep his temper. "Do you expect me to share you? Do you plan on just going back and forth between us?"

"No!" She almost shouted, but then she restrained herself. "I never planned any of this." Her eyes were full of sadness when she finally met his gaze. "I thought... but him and me, we will never work out. It was stupid, Nathaniel. Stupid and futile, and I'm sorry."

He shook his head, his teeth clenched, his whole body tense with anger. "This is not-"

"Please, Nathaniel." Cass reached out for him. _How to make him see, how to make him understand? _"You have a right to be angry, but please let me explain."

He groaned and lay back with a resigned sigh. "Oh, Cass. You're such a strong woman. Why do you let him hurt you so? You know there are men enough who would appreciate you."

"I know." Her voice sounded strangled. "I'll try not to let it happen again. But it's not as easy as you think."

He waited patiently until she continued. "It's the lyrium, you see. It makes me... It makes us both lose control."

He made an incredulous sound, and she sat up so she could look him in the eye. "I know it sounds like the world's worst excuse, Nathaniel, but the lyrium in his brands, it... It sings to me. It's powerful and seductive and utterly intoxicating. When I touch his markings, my magic goes... wild, I guess. And he can't resist it either. I believe his old master did it on purpose. To have someone at your beck and call who can't-"

She broke off, unsure of how much more to tell him.

Nathaniel's face was unreadable, but his next words made her shudder. "So it's intense. It's amazing. But you never know if what you're feeling is real, do you?"

"Exactly." She was confused. How could he know...

But then it hit her. Of course he'd be able to figure it out. He must have been through much the same, courtesy of Morena's spell. It was such a relief to have found someone who understood that she almost shook with it. She had tried to talk to Isabela once, but her friend had completely failed to see the problem.

_"So the two of you have mind-blowing lyrium-enhanced sex whenever you touch?" The pirate had sounded almost jealous. "Honey, most people would consider that a bonus!"_

_Most people wouldn't be so leery of magic they hardly let a mage get close to them._ Cass sighed. Nathaniel had been watching her face, she realized, and whatever he had seen there seemed to have reassured him somehow.

"Come here." He drew her back into his arms. "We both carry a lot of old baggage with us, Cass. And I know how tempting it is to give in to the rush, to the ecstasy." He faltered for a moment. "I'm not judging you. And I'll try and give you time to make up your mind. But make no mistake, I want all of you."

His voice had grown dark at those last words, and he proceeded to show her exactly how much he wanted her. Before long she was moaning happily in his arms, discovering just how far his Warden stamina could take them.

* * *

They talked and talked that night, in between the love-making, sharing stories of their past, marvelling at the similarities they found - they both had grown up with a brother and a sister, both had lost a sibling and both parents. Even though he had been his parents' first-born son and heir, they had ignored him for most of the time in favour of his dashing younger brother Thomas and his pretty sister. Cass, too, had been the eldest, the one whose job it had been to take care of the twins, even as a child, the quiet, responsible one, who was expected to fend for herself. Her mother and Carver had been naturally thrown together in a household full of mages, and her father had always preferred Bethany, his sweet little baby.

Then the Blight Year had destroyed both their families, both their homes. Yet without it, they would likely never have met. He'd have married a pretty noble girl, fathered sons, maybe taken over one of his father's minor holdings to settle in while he waited for his inheritance. As for her... there was no telling really what would have happened to an apostate mage.

And now here they were, thrown together by chance or fate, in Kirkwall of all places. It wouldn't be easy to create a space for each other in their busy lives. A stolen night here, a brief meeting there would have to be sufficient.

* * *

And sure enough, Nathaniel had to leave early next morning, before sunrise. Cass spent the day wandering all over the Wounded Coast and back in search of a nobleman's daughter kidnapped by bandits. It was tiring and thankless work, and when the ruffians attacked she was glad to have Aveline at her side and Merrill and Varric as backup.

It was already dark when she returned to the mansion. She had a quick snack in the kitchen and then retired to her room. Wearily she walked over to the dressing table her mother had left behind and began taking off her armour, piece by piece. Some inner part of her was smiling at the irony when she put the heavy shoulder brace down on the delicately carved tabletop. She was definitely not the daughter her mother had dreamed of.

"So he's left." Cass' head flew up when she heard the familiar deep voice. Fenris was standing a few steps behind her, keeping a careful distance, and it nearly broke her heart to see them together like this, side by side in the mirror. They made a stunning couple, she knew, both tall and slim, formidable in their spiky armour, the gleaming white of his hair contrasting starkly with her own raven-black. He was so heart-wrenchingly beautiful, with his luminous green eyes and the intricate markings on his smooth olive skin. She wanted him so badly that she had to close her eyes and clench her fists, digging her nails into her palms until she had regained her balance.

It was then that she noticed how sad and broken Fenris looked, and she almost gave in to the temptation to touch him again, just to comfort him. Of course he had noticed that Nathaniel had been here. She had known for the longest time that he was watching her house, and most of the time it actually made her feel safe, knowing that he was keeping an eye on her. Now, however, she wished he'd stay away. She didn't want to be the cause of his pain. _Oh Maker, why can't this be easier?_

Every fibre of her being cried out against the impossible situation she found herself in, and yet she knew she could no more send Fenris away than she could forego the peace and solace that Nathaniel's visits were bringing her. How could it be possible that she loved both of them, wanted them both in her life? She'd always been straightforward and honest with the people she loved, had never even considered any double dealings. And now she was caught between them, and there was no way this could end well.

"I should leave Kirkwall." Fenris' voice tore her out of her thoughts. "But where should I go? What should I do?" He walked over to the big stuffed armchair in the corner and sat down with a weary sigh. "My life has been about nothing but vengeance for so long, Cass. Now Hadriana is dead. Danarius is dead. I'm finally free... I've had my revenge, and it tastes like ashes. What do I do now?"

She answered without hesitation. "There'll always be a place for you at my side, Fen. Even if we can't..." Trailing off uncertainly, she looked at him, afraid of another outburst, but he was just gazing back at her, his expression faintly hopeful.

"Thank you, Cass. Whatever happens, I will never regret having met you." He walked over and gently stroked her cheek with his gauntlets, carefully avoiding any skin contact. "Please forgive me."

He left without another word, and she felt like crying, wishing she could just huddle up in a corner and sob for a while. But then she took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. _The Champion of Kirkwall doesn't cry over lost love!_ This wasn't the first hard decision of her life. Reaching out for the letters on her desk, she began to prepare for another day.

* * *

_Many thanks to zevgirl who will always spot the phrase I'm currently overusing ;-) You're the best beta ever!_


	5. Risks and Rewards

**Chapter 5 - Risks and Rewards**

Fenris hated the whole adventure, right from the first moment.

He hated Tallis' flippant remarks, her not-so-subtle attempts at flirtation, her easy assumption that Cass would be interested in a jewel theft. One that required her to take part in this Orlesian farce called a _hunting party_. And to take a whole lot of unnecessary risks.

He hated the whole masquerade, pretending to be Cass' _servant_. Tallis thought it was all a huge joke, but it was one that hit a little too close to home for him to find it funny. He had seen Cass flinch at Duke Prosper's words. She understood what it meant to him. And yet she had brought him to this place, where Elves could never be anything but whores and kitchen maids.

He hated hunting for sport. The so-called _hunters_ were nothing but a bunch of fops, dressed up as if they were going to a picnic. His heart bled for the noble creatures they had set out to slay, and he rather hoped a few of them would end up as wyvern food by the end of the day.

By early afternoon he was tense and snappy, his sarcastic wit becoming more barbed by the minute. When Tallis pointed out that the wyverns had to be decimated because they bred so quickly, he snapped back at her. "Well, so do Elves. We're plucky that way."

Isabela laughed raucously at his words, but Cass' eyes widened, and it was obvious she was worried. Surely she was questioning the wisdom of bringing him along by now.

Fenris hadn't wanted to come and he'd said so right from the start, but Cass had insisted, cool and rational as always. "Can't you see that we need a warrior if we are to stand any chance of success? And I can't take Aveline. She's the Captain of the Guard, and if anything goes wrong this will become a political matter."

He'd snorted. As if having Aveline there could possibly be worse than the Champion of Kirkwall getting involved in a theft in the first place.

But she'd been persistent. "Please, Fen. I need you. If you say no, I'll have to ask Carver."

Her face had clearly shown revulsion at the mere thought, and he'd almost smiled at that. Cass' aversion to taking her younger brother along was legendary. She'd never forgiven him for joining the Templar Order, and she had little to no patience with his constant whining about being in her shadow. The two of them had never been close. Her sister Bethany had been a mage as well, and the two girls had both been taught by their father. But Bethany was dead, killed by an angry ogre on the journey to Kirkwall. And Carver... well, Cass would be lucky if he didn't slay her as an abomination one day.

So in the end, Fenris had given in. And here they were, traipsing through the forest for hours to find something to bait a wyvern with. He had to admit the scenery was spectacular. And watching Cass run along the path in front of him, in her blue armour, her hips swinging enticingly, was a very pleasant sight as well. _Wait a minute! _Where had that come from? He hadn't allowed himself to think of her that way for months, ever since it had become clear that she was getting seriously involved with Howe. But she was gorgeous, there was no denying it, and the clean, fresh forest air suited her, brought out her beauty in a manner that twisted his heart painfully.

When Cass judged the bait to be sufficient, they laid it out in a wide clearing, and Tallis began imitating the wyvern calls. Fenris was still rolling his eyes at her pathetic attempts, when the beast came crashing through the undergrowth. It was a giant specimen, clearly an alpha male, and it quickly became obvious that they would need all their skill and a fair amount of luck to deal with it. Still, things were looking well right up to the point where Isabela took a nasty wound from one of the giant claws.

The wyvern gave a deafening roar and turned to charge toward him. Fenris blanched. Suddenly everything seemed to move very slowly. Tallis was already down, lying motionless in the grass. Isabela was swaying on her feet, clutching her left side. And Cass had long since spent all her mana. He'd seen her down the last lyrium potion only minutes ago. There was no cover, no way he could get away in time. He'd resigned himself to certain death when Cass raised her right hand with a savage cry. Her eyes were fixed on him, and he _saw_...

_Cass raising a dagger, cutting across her palm, blood everywhere, her face lighting up with renewed energy and then... _

A massive fist of stone crashed across the clearing, hitting the wyvern in the flank and knocking it down. Without thinking, he raised his sword and took off the beast's head with a single mighty stroke.

The sudden silence was deafening. Cass had slumped down, unconscious, and Isabela was at her side, gently lifting her head, trying to wake her. Tallis was already downing several potions. She seemed to have taken no lasting damage. But Cass... He knelt in front of her, not daring to touch her, while Isabela carefully fed her a few drops of a healing potion at a time. When she opened her eyes and smiled at him, the emotions hit him like a wave.

Relief, happiness, fear, and above all, rage. Red-hot, blinding rage, mindless anger at her for risking herself, for making herself a target for demons by using blood magic, of all things.

"Blight it, Cass, what were you thinking?" Fenris ignored Isabela's warning look. "I thought you were different, I thought you knew better! After what happened to your mother... Do you _want_ to end up like Quentin? Do you _want_ to become an abomination?" He was pacing to and fro across the clearing, too agitated to stay in one place. "Where did you learn this anyway?"

Cass coughed, managing to sit up with Isabela's help. "Merrill taught me." Her voice was so low he had trouble making out the words. But then she took a deep breath and looked up at him, her eyes clear and hard. "Stop it, Fen. I know what I am doing. Would you rather I had let you die?" Ignoring his angry growl she went on, just as furious as he was. "I couldn't do that. Never. And blood magic isn't as evil as you make it out to be. Quentin was insane. I am not like him."

"Keep telling yourself that!" He'd heard it all before, but he had never suspected Cass would be susceptible to that particular temptation. "Do you honestly think you're strong enough to deal with a demon?"

"Fenris, I-" She broke off. "Look, we can't discuss this here and now. Will you stay?"

For a moment he was tempted to go back to Kirkwall, but he knew he couldn't do that. He would never desert her in a place where she was surrounded by dangers. With a gruff nod, he turned to lead the way back to the castle.

* * *

Of course the farce didn't end there. The dinner that followed the hunt was an even better example of everything that was wrong with Orlesian noble society. Though Cass looked lovely in the sumptuous court dress Tallis had provided. Or rather, Fenris amended the thought, when she turned and he saw the expression on her face, she would have looked lovely if it hadn't been so obvious how uncomfortable she felt in the fine linen and satin.

Still, despite his anger, Fenris had to admire her slim, willowy figure, the way her hair, swept up in a simple chignon, set off the creamy white of her neck, the spirit in her sparkling black eyes. When Seneschal Bran bowed over her hand to kiss it, he had to suppress a growl of envy. To touch her like this, to let his lips stroke over her soft, silky skin...

Except that it never would be like this for them, no gentle courting, no hesitant first touches, no tender caresses. Just the blinding, mind-numbing passion created by his markings and her power; a passion unlike anything he'd ever known, despite all the indignities Danarius and Hadriana had put him through. With her, it was... different, he admitted to himself. The taste of her magic was sweet and clear, completely unlike the foul tang of the magisters.

But still, he cursed the cruel fate that had let her be born a mage. If only she'd been a warrior, or even a simple peasant girl, he could have loved her, opened his heart to her completely, bonded with her for life, as the Dalish did. If only she'd see reason, at least, and stay away from blood magic. He didn't want to lose her to demonic possession, didn't want to see her follow Merrill down that slippery slope.

Then Tallis somehow procured a key to the castle, and he overheard the two of them arguing about how to proceed. Tallis was all in favour of sneaking through the rooms, to "avoid needless death".

But Cass just snorted. "It's a bit late to develop moral scruples, Tallis, don't you think?"

Fenris and Isabela melted into the shadows, disappeared among the throngs of servants crowding the castle grounds. When the news of Cass' capture reached them, it was like an icy grip around his heart. He cursed violently in Arcanum, ready to tear Prosper's heart out if she'd come to any harm.

Isabela gazed over at him, her face unreadable, and motioned for him to follow her. "Come along. I've broken into worse places than this."

Still, it took them several hours to find Cass and Tallis. When the dungeon door opened, and Fenris saw that they were both safe and sound, the relief was almost overwhelming. It must have shown in his face because Cass walked up to him and carefully put her hand on his gauntleted arm, her eyes unexpectedly soft.

"You frightened me." He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. "Before we found you, there was a moment when I..." Opening his eyes, he found her gaze and held it. "Don't do that again, Cass. Promise."

She nodded, and they turned to leave. Even Fenris had to admit that Prosper's treasures were worth the risk they took in getting them out of the vault. There were magic weapons, rings, amulets, robes aplenty. And he thoroughly approved when Cass sent Prosper flying down the mountainside with a contemptuous laugh at his threats.

As they were making their way back to Kirkwall, he was at her side again, a solid and reliable presence he knew she valued deeply. Yet when he warned her again against getting too involved in the affairs of others, against taking unnecessary risks, she raised her chin, a determined look on her face.

"Without risk, there's no reward, Fenris. I didn't get where I am by sitting quietly at home." There was pride in her voice, and it worried him.

He decided it was worth one more attempt. "One day you may simply end up being rewarded with a blade in the back."

She stopped and looked at him. "That is possible, yes. Not your blade, however."

He shook his head. "Not my blade, no. Not even if you persist in this madness."

They walked on in silence. Both had a lot to think about.

* * *

_Hugs and thanks to zevgirl!_


	6. Sharing the Load

**Chapter 6 - Sharing the Load**

Cass Hawke was alerted by the servants. It was a warm summer evening, and it had just grown dark outside, when screams and sounds of fighting erupted right behind the back door of the old Amell estate. Casting a barrier spell to protect herself, Cass threw the door open, only to gasp in surprise when Nathaniel stumbled in, covered in blood. A quick energy bolt took care of the rest of the attackers out there, and then the heavy oaken door fell shut again, keeping them safe from the dangers of night-time Kirkwall.

Nathaniel followed her to her room, trembling with exhaustion. There was a nasty gash across his upper arm, and Cass' felt a brief flash of worry when she saw it. Quickly, she sent Bodahn for warm water and bandages and set about helping him out of his leathers.

"What happened?" She kept her voice calm and collected, and for a moment he seemed taken aback at her coolness_. What did you expect, Nathaniel Howe? I've fought dragons and ogres. Did you think I would faint at the sight of a scratch like this?_

He must have arrived at the same conclusion, for she saw a quick grin spread over his face. "A bunch of low-lifes attacked me right outside your door. I think I killed three or four of them. I hope you won't be in trouble."

"Hardly," she snorted. "This is Kirkwall. I've left more than enough corpses behind at night, and they were always gone in the morning. Not a particularly comforting notion, come to think of it."

By the time Bodahn got back with the supplies, she had taken off his armour and shirt and motioned for him to sit down on her bed.

"Maker, Nathaniel, you're as hairy as a bear." Her gaze wandered over his broad chest, covered in dark hair, then followed the thinner trail down his stomach. She enjoyed teasing him, but the sight affected her more than she cared to admit.

He looked down at himself and shrugged. "You've seen it all before, Cass, and you seemed quite content with it."

Cass smiled at the reminder. "I never said I didn't like it. But let's check your arm first." With quick, deft movements, she cleaned the wound and put a small healing poultice on it before bandaging it. "There. That's better."

She let her hands wander up his arm to his chest and buried her fingers deep in the black curls, tugging them gently, while her lips found his.

He moaned and leaned back, but flinched in pain when he put his weight on the injured arm. "I don't think I can move tonight, Cass."

"You don't have to." Her voice had become deep and seductive, and he tensed in response. Swiftly she straddled him, throwing off her tunic in one smooth motion.

At the sight of her small, high breasts, his eyes widened. Without hesitation, his mouth found a nipple and he sucked, softly at first, then harder. Cass cried out, her fingers carding through his hair, brushing it back from his face. Nathaniel hummed approvingly and let his tongue circle the hardened nipple, again and again, sometimes flicking briefly against her skin, until she was flushed and panting.

She reached down towards his laces, untying them with shaking hands. Her fingers closed around him, coaxing him gently to full hardness. She'd missed him, missed _this_, she realized, the way his cock felt in her hands, smooth, hot skin, taut and eager. Suddenly she couldn't wait, needed him inside her, and she moved quickly, wiggling out of her smalls and straddling him again, reaching down for him.

"Cass." His voice was groggy but gentle. "Are you sure you're ready? I could..."

She bit her lip, touched by his concern, but she shook her head. "More than ready. I want you, Nathaniel. Now."

He groaned when she sank down on him, taking him in all at once. "Maker, Cass."

For a moment he pulled her close, his arms encircling her body, pressing her hard against his torso, then he lay back with a sigh, his hands cupping her breasts. "You're so beautiful."

He let her set the pace, remaining completely still, right until the very end, when his grip on her hips tightened and he bucked up hard beneath her. He held on for a few more precious thrusts until he could be sure that she too had found her release. Only then did he relax.

There was a blissful smile on his face, but he looked bone-tired. She barely managed to manoeuvre his legs onto the bed before he fell asleep, too exhausted to bother with covering up.

Cass pulled a blanket over him and ran her thumb over the dark stubble on his cheeks. She had come to care deeply for him during the past year. He'd been here to see her as often as he could, whenever his duties took him to the Free Marches. As a matter of fact, she had a sneaking suspicion that he had volunteered for every single mission in the vicinity of Kirkwall.

She loved the way she could laugh with him. It was a mystery to her how Anders could think Nathaniel lacked a sense of humour. And she appreciated how honest he was with her. Right from the start, he hadn't been afraid to state his feelings for her openly. The last time he had left, she had asked him how he could be so sure she was the one, after such a short time.

_He sighed and when he answered his face was sombre. "I don't have time for silly games, Cass. I'm a Warden. I love you, and I want to spend my life with you, but my time is limited. One day I'll have to leave for my Calling."_

_"How long?" Cass realized she didn't know all that much about the Taint._

_Nathaniel pulled her close and kissed her cheek. "No one knows for certain. If I'm very lucky, I'll have another twenty years, but I've spent a lot of time down in the Deep Roads, and that can speed it up. It might well be closer to ten years. Either way, I'm not exactly a man you can grow old with."_

_She shrugged. "The way things are none of us may survive the coming years, Nathaniel. We'll just have to enjoy it while it lasts."_

But the conversation had shaken her. For the first time, she had truly realized what it meant to be in love with a Grey Warden. No children, no happy family life, ever. And worse than that, the threat of losing him, far too soon. She could no longer imagine a life without him in it.

* * *

Nathaniel would be able to stay another day or two, a rare enough occurrence. One of his Wardens had been injured and needed a little rest before risking the crossing to Amaranthine. They had breakfast together, quietly enjoying their time as a couple, occasionally sharing a smile or touching briefly. Neither of them was fond of long conversations in the morning.

When he asked about her plans for the day, Cass made a face. "I have to go and see Meredith in the Gallows. She enlisted my help looking for three mages that she suspected of consorting with demons." Briefly, she explained the task she had taken on at the Knight-Commander's behest. "Now I have to report on what we've found, and it isn't pretty."

Nathaniel had listened attentively. "Do you want me to come with you?"

Cass looked at him in surprise. "Would you? It's not going to be pleasant."

He shrugged. "I'd like to meet Meredith in person. And maybe having another witness for this conversation will work in your favour."

They met with Knight-Captain Cullen first. Cass didn't bother to hide her feelings toward Meredith, even going so far as to ask openly whether he condoned his commanding officer's latest actions, but Cullen refused to be baited.

"Don't you think that was a little too... blunt, love?" Nathaniel threw her a quick, sideways glance as they were climbing the steps leading to Meredith's office.

"The Knight-Commander is more than half insane by now. You'll see for yourself, Nathaniel. If only Cullen would see reason and challenge her authority." Cass sighed. "I don't know how else to approach him. Maybe I ought to seduce him to make him see our point of view."

Nathaniel laughed. "My dear, the poor boy is mortally afraid of you. The only way you could entrap him would be by tying him up with a rope."

Cass flinched. "Well, I guess I'm not very good at subtle seduction anyway."

He took her hand and pressed it briefly. "You know, I actually prefer you that way."

Meredith greeted them with a wary expression and remained just barely polite. She was grateful enough for Cass' help in dealing with Evelina and Huon, and she even seemed ready to believe that Emile de Launcet was a harmless idiot. Yet when Cass pointed out that the handling of the mages by the Templars had a lot to do with how bad things had turned out, the Knight-Commander's proud face grew stony, and she brushed Cass off with a few thinly veiled threats.

Cass kept her temper, but she was seething when they left. Nathaniel took one look at her and took her to a market stall in the Gallows for a quick meal. While they were enjoying their Rivaini meat balls, he let her vent her feelings, listening patiently, only occasionally adding an observation or a comment of his own. It took a while, but at the end of the meal she had calmed down and was even ready to concede that she had been less than diplomatic.

"What is it?" Nathaniel sounded amused and she realized she'd been staring at him in wonder.

"Just... you can't imagine how refreshing it is to talk this over with someone who understands the situation but isn't part of it." Cass sighed. "This is not something I'm used to. In the normal course of events Anders would be berating me right now for not standing up more for mages' rights, while Fenris would glare at me for mentioning them at all. Aveline would lecture me on my responsibilities and Merrill would tell me she relies on me to solve it all, no pressure."

Nathaniel was laughing aloud by the time she finished. "Oh, Cass. How do you even bear it?" He put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. "Come on, love. Let me share the load with you for a little while. I wish I could stay, or just whisk you away, but I guess neither is an option."

She shook her head. "No, I'm afraid not. But I believe Kirkwall can do without me for a few hours. Do you think you're up for a trip to the Coast?"

His injury was almost healed, thanks to her attentions the night before, and they spent the whole afternoon at the beach, in a quiet little cove on the Wounded Coast. Hector stood guard over their belongings while they splashed about in the surf and then spread a blanket in the sand and made love, slowly, gently, with the sun warming their skin. Cass couldn't remember the last time she had felt so happy and relaxed.

When Nathaniel set out for Amaranthine again two days later, she let him go with a heavy heart. But the knowledge that he would be back gave her strength. With him at her side, the burden had gotten a little lighter.

* * *

_Many thanks to zevgirl for all her help and support with this!_


	7. The Price of Pride

**Chapter 7 - The Price of Pride**

Cass breathed in the clear mountain air with a sigh of relief. It was good to get out of Kirkwall. She was thoroughly sick of the stink of the city, especially since she had spent the past two weeks trekking through the sewers with Anders, looking for the ingredients for some mysterious potion.

Nathaniel had not been happy when she'd told him about it. Not just because the smell of the sewers was clinging to her hair and clothes when she greeted him. He disapproved of her association with Anders, which came as no surprise, considering the mage's role in Morena's betrayal of him.

They had quarrelled - for the first time - a strangely subdued disagreement, without any of the passionate shouting and posturing Cass was used to.

"You can't trust Anders." Nathaniel's tone had been intense. "He will not hesitate to use you for his purposes, Cass, please believe me."

"He's my friend, Nathaniel." She'd been annoyed. "Just because he's done something stupid in the past doesn't mean he can never be trusted again."

When Nathaniel had left three days ago, the tension between them hadn't quite abated yet. He'd been disappointed that she wouldn't heed his advice. She missed him already and she hated leaving things like this between them. But her pride didn't allow her to consider the possibility that Anders had lied to her, that there was some hidden agenda behind his sudden interest in potion-making.

Up here, with a little distance between her and the mage, it was easier to be honest with herself. Truth be told, she had wondered as well... So many things in Anders' story didn't quite add up. Cass sighed and resolved to talk to Anders as soon as she got back to Kirkwall. She'd confront him about his plans, see if there was any truth to Nathaniel's allegations.

For now, though, they were headed for Sundermount once again, to see what could be done about Merrill's problems. Cass had been fascinated right from the start with her fellow mage's plan to restore the ancient Elven mirror. A real eluvian! Her father had fancied himself something of an expert in magical lore, and she had grown up with stories about the power of magical artefacts.

Cass had been eager to help Merrill, especially once she'd discovered the little mage wasn't quite as naive and clueless as she pretended to be. It wasn't so much that Merrill was deliberately deceiving people; just that she was content to let them underestimate her. She'd discovered early on that most humans thought her a harmless fool, and it suited her just fine. But there was nothing harmless about Merrill's magical powers, and as soon as Cass had realized that, she had suggested they teach each other their most powerful spells.

This time, however, Cass had a bad feeling. It was one thing to study the mirror's properties, one thing to repair it with the help of the Arulin'Holm. But now they were on their way to enlist a demon's help. A _spirit_, according to Merrill, but Cass was more than just a little sceptical. Still, it was probably safer if she was there to keep an eye on her friend.

Fenris was walking at her side, less than happy to be dragged along on this venture. He had made it perfectly clear to her that he thought it dangerous and ill-advised. But that was precisely why she wanted him along. If anyone would be able to slay a possessed Merrill, it would be Fenris.

* * *

None of them could have anticipated what awaited in the cave on top of the mountain, though. Fighting a demon was pretty much business as usual. But when they realized Marethari had taken the demon inside her, in order to make it possible for them to kill it, the Keeper's sacrifice shook them all to the core.

It got worse, when the Clan prepared to attack them in order to avenge Marethari. If it hadn't been for Cass' determined handling of the situation, it might well have ended in a massacre. Even so, Merrill was devastated. Cass was deeply worried about her friend, and when she overheard Fenris talking to her on the way back, she could barely believe her ears.

"I'm not sorry she's dead. I'm only sorry she died for you." When the words passed Fenris' lips, only Merrill's fragile state of mind kept Cass from making a scene right away.

Shooting an angry glance at him, she took Merrill's arm and kept her friend at her side all the way back to Kirkwall. When she had made sure the elf was properly settled in, with Varric close by to look after her, Cass set out for Fenris' mansion. She was almost too furious to speak.

"How could you?" Almost as soon as she saw him, seated at the table with a bottle of wine in front of him, she attacked him. "Blight it, Fenris, how could you talk to Merrill like that. Marethari was like a mother to her."

"A mother she killed with her stupid insistence on fooling around with demons." Fenris sneered. "She had a life. And a family. And she abandoned them to chase after ghosts. She as good as murdered the Keeper."

"Says the man who would have killed his own sister if I hadn't stopped him." Cass was too angry to mince words.

Fenris blanched. "That was a low blow." He swallowed, but made an effort to calm down. "Please set aside your anger for a moment, Cass. Can't you see that I'm genuinely worried for you?" Ignoring her angry snort, he went on. "Please don't go down the same road as she did. Nothing good can ever come of blood magic and demons."

Cass sighed. "I'm not like Merrill, Fen. I told you, I know what I'm doing."

He shook his head. "_Think_, Cass. That thing on the mountain... it was a _Pride_ Demon. They rely on you being too sure of yourself. Don't make that mistake, I beg you. Promise me to stay away from blood magic."

Something in his voice, in the intense, almost desperate way he was talking to her, made Cass pause. _Oh Maker, he does have a point. And he cares. This isn't about Merrill at all. It's about me. About his fear of losing me. _It was like a sudden epiphany. Suddenly she realized what he'd been trying to say all the time.

"I promise, Fen." He was so surprised by her sudden acquiescence that he was gaping at her, struck speechless for a moment.

"I promise I'll stay away from blood magic," she repeated. "If it means so much to you..."

She stared at him, unshed tears burning in her eyes. "But if there ever comes a time when I have to decide between breaking my promise and letting you die, just like on the hunt... I'd do the same again, Fenris. I can't bear the thought of losing you. I can't live without you. You... mean so much to me."

Fenris made a curiously strangled noise, and she looked down at his hands. He was grabbing the edge of the wooden table so hard his gauntlets were leaving deep grooves in the wood, forcing himself to stay on his side of the table, to keep that last barrier between them.

Her eyes widened. "Fenris."

"Cass. Maker help me, I want..." He closed his eyes, trying to draw deep breaths, failing miserably.

"What do you want, Fenris?" Her voice sounded unfamiliar to herself, hypnotic, like a soft caress. _What am I doing? This is madness. _But she couldn't stop, couldn't desist. "Tell me."

"I..." He swallowed. "I want to _touch_ you, Cass, so badly. Let my fingers run through your hair, down that perfect neck of yours, along your collarbone... I want to taste you on my lips, to breathe in your scent, to hear you moan for me..."

He opened his eyes, and she held his gaze, captivated by their emerald shine, unable to resist urging him on. "Go on," she whispered. "Don't stop."

He went on, his voice hoarse and trembling with the effort of keeping still. "I want to kiss you until you melt in my arms, I want to map every inch of your body with my hands, feel you shudder under me. I want..."

A small, helpless whimper escaped her half-opened lips, and he pushed himself backwards with full force, in a desperate attempt to put some distance between them, to break the spell. "Maker's mercy, get out, Cass. Get out now! Or I..."

She backed away, nodding, though the pain of leaving him like this almost killed her. Quickly she grabbed her coat and headed for the doorway. On the threshold, she turned around. "Forgive me, Fenris. I..."

"Get out!" He almost screamed at her.

When the door fell shut behind her, she closed her eyes, pressing her forehead to the cool stone of the wall, trying to regain her composure. This had to stop. She hated herself for doing this to him, when there was no way they could ever be together. Desperately she wished there was a way to erase the markings from his skin. She had freed him from Hadriana, from Danarius. But there was no escaping the lyrium brands. They still enslaved him, as effectively as any chain.

* * *

_Hugs and thanks to zevgirl, who's not only a huge help with my writing, but also manages to cheer me up whenever I'm down._


	8. Hard Decisions

**Chapter 8 - Hard Decisions**

Cass shook her head, too sick and tired of Anders to be able to summon the energy to shout at him. "There never was a potion, was there?"

"No." He didn't even bother to fake remorse. "And you can save yourself the trouble of asking me what this is about. I won't tell you."

Very slowly she inhaled the stuffy air of the clinic. "Anders." The mage's eyes wore a distant, faraway look, as if he hadn't even heard her. "Blight it, Anders, what is going on?"

"You have to trust me, Hawke. I need you. You must help me to distract Elthina for a moment."

"While you do what?" Cass couldn't believe her ears. Anders had blatantly lied to her, and now he had the gall to ask another favour of her?

"I told you, don't ask!" For a moment she thought she saw a flash of Justice in his eyes. "You have to help me, Cass. If you care at all for your fellow mages, if you care for me-"

"Oh, stop it, Anders." Cass couldn't hold back a bitter laugh. "I've told you more than once I won't be blackmailed by you. You're on your own." Swivelling on her heels, she turned to go.

"I've always been on my own." He almost spat out the words. "Ever since-"

She didn't hear the rest as the door fell shut behind her. She didn't need to. _Ever since Morena died._ Cass felt the bile rise in her throat. It was always Morena with him. Evil, two-faced bitch that she had been by all accounts, Anders would never get over her. He would have been happier if he'd died with her.

* * *

She had little time to think about Anders and his mysterious plan in the weeks to come. Other things kept her busy. Conspiracies against Meredith seemed to spring up all over Kirkwall, be it nobles, templars or blood mages. None of them ever managed to rise above their own petty concerns, though, none of them ever had a practicable alternative to offer. And as if that wasn't enough, the streets seemed to be overrun with an unusual amount of thugs, mercenaries and other undesirable elements at night. Cass spent several nights in Lowtown alone, routing out an insane cult worshipping a desire demon.

A strange feeling of unease kept nagging at her, though. Anders was up to something serious, she was sure of it. They hadn't spoken at all since their confrontation, Cass opting to take Merrill with her instead on her nightly outings. Which was just as well, really, since the elf needed something to do to take her mind off her own problems.

* * *

In retrospect, they all realized things had been heading toward a crisis for a long time. Yet the morning of the day when everything would fall to pieces was much like any other morning in Kirkwall since they had moved to Hightown. Orana served a delicious breakfast, and Cass had just gone through her daily sparring routine with Merrill, when a messenger from the First Enchanter arrived.

That in itself was nothing out of the ordinary either. True, Orsino's message sounded even more urgent than usual. Cass didn't waste any time in assembling her companions and setting off toward Lowtown where Orsino was engaged in yet another stand-off with Knight-Commander Meredith.

But when she arrived, she was still confident she would be able to defuse the situation. Fenris' presence at her side was comforting as she stood up to Meredith's fury, and if only Elthina would be along soon...

And then everything went to pieces. Quite literally, with the Chantry spire exploding into a million little shards. And figuratively, with Meredith invoking the Right of Annulment. A declaration of war against every mage in the city. There wasn't really a choice. Without hesitation, Cass assured Orsino of her support.

She heard Fenris utter a stifled groan behind her, but when she turned, his gaze was unflinching. "I'm at your side, Cass. Even if I don't agree with your decision."

Varric, of course, would never desert her, and neither did Merrill, Isabela and Aveline, despite the visible discomfort her choice caused the Guard Captain. Even Sebastian stood with her, though he eyed her warily. Together they easily beat off the attacking Templars. Cass was already analyzing the situation in her mind, trying to work out how best to fight their way to the Gallows. But there was another decision that needed to be made first.

Anders was sitting on an upturned crate, not even able to face her. Half the town would be crying out for his punishment. And he had little enough to say in his defence. _Changing the world. Making it a better place for mages._ Cass felt the urge to spit to get rid of the bitter tang in her mouth. She had known for a long time that Anders was going downhill in a rapid spiral. Ever since he'd killed an innocent young mage in a bout of Justice-fuelled rage, she had secretly questioned his sanity, his hold on reality. Now it seemed he was determined to become a martyr for his cause. And wasn't it just like him to use her as a means to that end?

She, too, wanted him to pay for what he had done. Hundreds, maybe thousands had died today because of him, many more would die yet. But in the end none of this was what decided her. It was the empty, haunted look in his eyes, when he finally turned to face her. Anders had nothing left to live for, nothing at all. It would be an act of mercy to send him to his death.

"He wants to die. Kill him and be done with it." Fenris' voice sounded low and intense in her ear. Cass nodded and drove her dagger straight into Anders' heart.

* * *

The next hour was a blood-curdling nightmare of templars, demons and abominations, burning streets and screaming victims, until they reached the Gallows. Looking up at the forbidding fortress, Cass thought back to the day when she had first arrived in Kirkwall. Sailing into the harbour in the hold of a refugee ship, her first view of the city had been the huge slave statues framing the harbour entrance. The sight had hit her like a punch in the guts, even then. Such despair, such hopelessness. It seemed utterly fitting that the city was now tearing itself into pieces despite her and everyone else's best efforts to turn the tide around.

They found Orsino inside the Mage Tower. The First Enchanter seemed resigned to his fate, but Cass refused to consider surrender, even if her own brother was fighting at Meredith's side. She wasn't ready to give up yet. Not while she still had her trusted companions with her. Hector was bouncing excitedly at her side, as one by one she went to thank them for their support and to say a few words that might well turn out to be final goodbyes. Varric, Isabela, Merrill, Aveline, even Sebastian.

Her heart sank a little more with each conversation, though she tried her best to look and sound optimistic. Cass was a realist through and through, and she knew their chance of walking out of this was so small as to be almost non-existent. _Is this the end then? Will it come to this, after all we've done? _It took all her strength to push the doubts back before she finally turned to Fenris. He had waited patiently, watching her talk to the others with an inscrutable face. Now, however, there was a strange little half-smile on his face, a kind of sardonic amusement she hadn't expected.

"Here I am, about to defend these mages in a hopeless battle. You lead me to strange places, Cass." He reached out and carefully cupped her cheek with his gauntlets. "Promise me you won't die. I can't bear the thought of-"

"I don't plan on dying." She cut him off, unwilling to let the thought cross her mind, even for the briefest of moments.

"You'd better not." It was almost a growl, his voice strangled with emotion.

His eyes were fixed on her face, and for a moment, all the barriers went down and he let her see it all, all the feelings he was so careful to hide in the normal course of events. Before she could guess what he was doing, he pulled her close in one fast, fluid motion and kissed her, hard and deep and passionate.

Cass gasped, but she couldn't help returning the kiss. If this was really the end, if all would be over tonight, then Fenris deserved to know how much he still meant to her. For a blissful moment, she forgot all caution and leaned into his embrace, melting into his arms, breathing in the intoxicating scent of lyrium, of _Fenris_.

But he broke the kiss before she could actually touch his brands and pulled back with a visible effort. "Now the battle awaits us. Fight well."

"Cass?" She turned around and found herself face to face with the last person she'd expected to see.

"Nathaniel."

He was in full armour, with his longbow ready in hand. There was a frown on his handsome face, and a veritable storm brewing in his cool grey eyes, but he kept calm. Fenris was staring right back at the archer, his chin lifted in defiance. For a second his markings flared blue, and Nathaniel blanched. He was no coward, but he had seen Fenris in battle and knew what the elf could do. Still, he stood his ground.

"I only just arrived in Kirkwall a few hours ago." Nathaniel's voice sounded even more hoarse than usual. "It wasn't easy to find you, but here I am."

Cass swallowed. "Nathaniel, I-"

"Later," he cut her off. "You need all the help you can get here. And whatever happens, you have my bow. But afterwards..." He nodded briefly at Fenris. "You'll have to decide, Cass. Once and for all."

She bit her lip. _Who knows if there's going to be an afterwards?_ But she nodded in agreement. And then everything was lost in chaos as Meredith's Templars attacked.

* * *

_Many thanks to zevgirl for all her help and support!_


	9. Goodbye

**Chapter 9 - Goodbye**

Cass looked around the makeshift camp set up in the hills east of Kirkwall. It wasn't much, just a few ragged tents, but she was glad to be here at the warming campfire, glad they'd all survived today's battle. She still shuddered when she thought back to the events of the day.

They had expected to fight Knight-Commander Meredith and her Templars. But never in their wildest dreams could they have foreseen the monstrosity Orsino would become. Never could they have imagined the very statues in the Gallows would come to life to fight them at Meredith's command. More than once it had seemed all was lost. But they had prevailed, thanks to the fact that they had all stuck together.

Even Carver had remembered in time where his real loyalties lay, and Knight-Captain Cullen had finally realized his Commander was no longer worthy of his allegiance. The two of them had stayed behind to clean up the mess, and Sebastian had finally left for Starkhaven, but all the rest of her friends were still here with her. Well, all except Anders. Poor, stupid, messed-up Anders. She prayed he had at least found some measure of peace in death.

Nathaniel came walking toward her with a bowl of soup and a piece of bread, a worried frown on his face.

"Are you all right, love?" Gently he let his hand run up her calf where one of the harvester's talons had left a deep gash. They had treated the wound as best they could, but Anders' healing skills were already sorely missed. Cass closed her eyes, wishing for a moment to just sink into Nathaniel's arms, let herself be held and comforted, forget about her troubles for a while.

But Fenris was watching them from the other side of the fire, his mossy green eyes fixed on her with an all-consuming hunger that was almost scary.

"I'm fine, Nathaniel. Just tired and worried." She smiled automatically at him, but cursed herself silently, when she saw the shadow crossing Fenris' face, followed by a brief flash of triumph on Nathaniel's features. _Great. I feel like a juicy bone between two starving dogs. _

"There's no need to worry. We can be at the Keep in just a few days. You'll be safe there, with me." Nathaniel seemed determined to stake his claim, and Fenris visibly withdrew into his shell.

Maker, she was too tired to deal with this now. "Let's talk about this tomorrow. I need peace and quiet now. I need to be alone." With a pointed look at both of them, she crawled into her tent. _Let them sort it out by themselves._

* * *

Cass couldn't have said what woke her, but once her eyes opened she knew without a doubt she had to go out and check. She was still tired, bone-deep exhausted in fact, but this was important, she was certain of it. Quickly she threw on a thin tunic and crawled out into the balmy summer night.

The camp was quiet, but her eyes were drawn immediately to the edge of the little woodland to the west. She almost missed seeing the tiny movement there, but the white thatch of hair was unmistakable in the moonlight. _Fenris_. Without thinking, she ran after him. He was quick and quiet, but she was determined not to lose sight of him again. There was no way she would let him sneak out of her life like this.

She caught up with him in a little clearing. A small stream was running through the undergrowth, and the huge trunk of a fallen oak tree slowed his progress for a moment. When he heard her approach, he turned to face her, wariness turning to resignation when he recognized her.

"Cass." There was a world of meaning in that short syllable, and in the expression in his large green eyes.

Shaking with emotion, she walked toward him. "So is this how you want to play it? Sneaking away in the middle of the night without so much as a goodbye? It's not like you to be a coward, Fenris."

He flinched at her scathing tone, but remained calm. "I'm going to see if I can catch up with Sebastian. He told me I'd have a place with him in Starkhaven once he has ousted the usurper."

"You have a place with me! And I need you." Cass protested. She knew she sounded petulant, but the thought of him leaving, the thought of losing his familiar and reassuring presence, made her desperate.

He didn't answer, and she felt a violent urge to shake him. "Blight it, Fen, say something!"

He shook his head. "What is there to say? You're going with him, aren't you? To Vigil's Keep."

Cass bit her lip, unable to contradict him, to find the right words. What else could she do? Her life was in tatters, all she had worked for was gone. "Fen, I-"

Fenris stifled a bitter laugh. "It's alright, Cass. A blind man could see that you belong with him. The way you talk to him, laugh with him, touch him."

_Oh Maker, the pain in his voice!_

"I can't stay and watch you two together every day, Cass, I can't." He reached out with his gauntlet, wiping away the single tear on her cheek. "Don't cry, Cass. Please."

"You can't just walk away like this! You owe me more than that." Cass hardly recognized her own voice, so full of anger and despair. She didn't know what she expected him to do. Lash back at her, like he'd always done, scream at her, fight with her, anything.

But he surprised her by nodding slowly. "You're right. There should be... a proper goodbye. Something we can both keep in our hearts."

Without another word he stepped back and began to take off his armour, piece by piece, his eyes never leaving hers. For a moment she was too stunned to react, but then his meaning hit her with full force. _So that's it? One last time and then you leave me, forever?_ She hesitated for a mere heartbeat, then she threw all scruples and objections to the wind. If this was all she could have, she would take it, no matter what the consequences. Before one of them could change their mind, she shrugged off her tunic, revelling in his sharp intake of breath when he saw her bare body.

But when he slid out of the last bit of clothing it was her turn to gasp. Fenris naked in the light of the full moon was the single most beautiful sight she'd ever seen. His lyrium brands flowed all over his lithe, powerful body like molten silver; his hair framed his fine, ascetic features like spun moonlight. She would never be able to forget the way he looked, standing there, his eyes worshipping her, his body tense with anticipation.

He reached out for her hand and slowly, deliberately moved it toward his chest, to the markings covering his heart. Cass hardly dared to breathe, focussing all her effort into going slow, easing into the touch. For him to offer her this, to freely and consciously give himself over to her... She felt the tingle even before her skin made contact with the lyrium. But whether it was because they were more careful with each other than they'd ever been, or because her mana reserves were all but depleted from the battle, for the first time she managed to hold on to a shred of control. She could feel her magic flare up, but the reaction was muted, not quite as irresistible and overwhelming as before.

This time she remained lucid enough to know what was happening, to know it with a clarity that was exquisitely beautiful and painful at once. This time she actually _felt_ his lips on her skin, his tongue trailing down her stomach, his strong hands parting her legs. This time she was fully aware of him sliding impossibly deep inside her, of his movements, slow and gentle at first, then faster and harder, until they were both close to the threshold. This time she didn't close her eyes, and when he cried out she could see the love in his eyes, so pure, so sincere, so complete it was almost too much to bear.

She was sobbing uncontrollably by the time they were both dressed again. When Fenris was once more safely encased in his armour, he carefully took her in his arms, kissing her cheek with a touch as faint as a butterfly.

"Don't cry, Cass. I will always love you." He turned and left, without another look back.

It took her the better part of an hour to collect herself sufficiently to make her way back to camp. When she arrived, she could just barely make out a figure sitting huddled by the campfire. _Nathaniel_. With a deep sigh she walked over to him and sat down at his side, trailing her fingers through his.

He looked up and she almost cried out in shock when she saw his face, ravaged by pain and fear. "I wasn't sure you'd come back."

Cass bit her lip, so hard that it bled. "I'm back, Nathaniel. And this time I'm here to stay."

* * *

_Many thanks to zevgirl!_


	10. Settling In

**Chapter 10 - Settling In**

Nathaniel let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding, when the heavy gates of Vigil's Keep closed behind him and Cass. She was here with him, at his side. No more travelling to Kirkwall and back, just for a few precious hours in her arms._ Home._ Finally.

Cass' injury had healed well, hardly slowing them down at all, but even so, it had been a tedious journey through the hills. It had taken them several days to get to the small village on the coast where Isabela had been waiting for them. Once they were aboard her ship, however, Amaranthine was within easy reach.

The once-proud town was hardly more than a fishing port now, the docks being the only part that had been properly rebuilt after the darkspawn attack five years ago. Nathaniel had been at the Warden Commander's side when she'd ordered the town burnt down, and he knew Morena had agonized over the decision. Whole districts had been overrun by darkspawn, and he had been among the first to agree it was a hopeless cause. Going back to save Vigil's Keep instead had seemed reasonable at the time. Still, he sometimes wondered. _Maybe Morena would have decided otherwise if Anders hadn't stayed behind at the Keep._

But now Anders was dead, by Cass' own hand. Varric and Aveline had opted to travel on to Highever, to see if they could build a new life there. Merrill had chosen to stay with Isabela, and Carver was still with the Templars in Kirkwall. All of her trusted companions had left her side. Cass had said goodbye to them with outward calm, her emotions betrayed by nothing more than a slight trembling of her hands.

Nathaniel looked over at her pale face. They had hardly touched on the way here, even though they had shared a tent on the last leg of the journey. They hadn't talked about that last night outside Kirkwall either. He didn't know what had happened between her and Fenris, and if he was completely honest he didn't want to know. The elf was gone and Cass was here with him. _Here to stay_, she had said. That was all that counted. Yet all the way to the Keep, some small part of him feared she'd disappear into the night, leaving him alone again.

But here she was, looking as proud and determined as ever, as they were entering the Warden Commander's suite of rooms. Leonie was waiting for them, a wary look on her fine, aristocratic features. Nathaniel had to stifle a smile as he watched the two of them assess each other, like fighters in a ring.

Leonie Caron, Warden Commander of Ferelden, Arlessa of Amaranthine, born into a noble Orlesian family, a fierce warrior and a cool strategist. And Cassandra Hawke, Champion of Kirkwall, an apostate mage of such power that even the mighty Knight-Commander Meredith had fallen to her spells. Icy blue eyes met sparkling black ones, and the tension in the room was palpable for a moment.

Then Cass bowed her head in greeting. "Commander Caron. I thank you for your hospitality. You are most generous."

It was obvious the gracious words didn't come naturally to her, and for a moment the corners of Leonie's mouth were twitching. "Hawke. I'd say I am honoured to meet the Champion of Kirkwall, but it seems you can no longer lay claim to that title."

She fixed Nathaniel with a cool stare. "I expect a full report on the events in Kirkwall from you. It was good that you were there, Howe, even though we need to talk about your latest little act of defiance. I don't appreciate my Wardens leaving without my permission."

Cass' eyebrow rose the merest fraction of an inch. Nathaniel hadn't told her he'd left without Leonie's authorization when his contacts had warned him that the situation in Kirkwall was coming to a head. Of course none of them had expected Anders' mad attack against the Chantry.

Leonie must have thought along the same lines, for she turned back to Cass. "I heard you executed the deranged mage for his insane deed. You did us quite a favour there. The man was a serious liability for the Wardens."

Nathaniel flinched when he saw Cass' eyes narrow. Killing Anders had to have been one of the hardest things she'd ever done, despite his earlier betrayal. To have Leonie refer to him in such an impersonal manner... He had to admire the way Cass restrained her legendary temper.

"He won't bother you any more." Cass' tone was flat, and there was a clear warning in her eyes. "Kirkwall is in turmoil, though, and Nathaniel assured me my talents would be of use here."

Leonie smiled, a wide cat-like smile, and her Orlesian accent became even more pronounced than usual. "So, Howe, do you think I should make her a Warden?"

Nathaniel kept calm. "I don't think that will be necessary, Commander. Cass will be a valuable asset in any fight, whether she's a Warden or not. She doesn't need to go into the Deep Roads with us. There are enough threats to deal with that don't involve darkspawn." Leonie nodded, and he went on, encouraged by her expression. "I don't think we'll have to invoke the Right of Conscription to save her from persecution either. She's been a free mage all her life, so no one will be able to trace her with a phylactery. And her face is not all that well-known outside of Kirkwall. If we introduce her as my... wife, I don't think there will be a problem."

Cass' head flew up at his words, and she fixed him with a penetrating stare. Not unfriendly, just intense. Leonie's sharp eyes missed nothing, and she chuckled softly.

"So be it then, Howe. At your own risk. One more thing, though." She faced Cass again. "In this Keep, my word is law. If you intend to stay, you'll have to bow to my command, Warden or no. You won't be the Champion here."

Cass nodded, her face stony. "I understand. I'll submit to your authority or leave. You have my word."

Leonie dismissed them with a quick wave of her hand, and they made their way up to Nathaniel's room in silence. When the door had closed behind them, Cass was quiet for a while, walking around the room, letting her hand run over the aged, heavy furniture, taking it all in. It was a large enough room, with a nice view of the orchards outside. Plenty of room for the two of them to live in. Nathaniel knew Cass well enough to know she didn't mind the sparse, almost ascetic furnishing. She was hardly the type to indulge in frilly femininity.

Her eyes wandered over to the large, four-poster bed, and Nathaniel was suddenly glad he'd never lain with Morena there. She'd always made him come up to her suite, refusing to set foot into his room. There were no memories of her attached to this place, no ghosts they would have to chase.

Cass seemed to have finished her inspection and turned to face him, a half-smile on her full lips. "Your wife, eh?"

"If that's what you want." He walked over and drew her into his arms, almost shyly. "No Chantry ceremony for us, obviously, but if you want me, I am yours, Cass."

A shiver went through her body and she finally relaxed against him, allowing him to pull her closer. Her lips met his and she kissed him, softly at first, then with more insistence.

"I do. I want. Make me yours, Nathaniel. Now." Her voice was brittle, almost feverish, and his body responded with a surge of raw desire that brooked no delay. Without another word, he pulled her over to the bed.

* * *

Cass settled in well at the Keep. Within the week, Leonie took her out on a patrol against smugglers at the coast.

When Nathaniel asked Sigrun how it had gone, the dwarf shook her head, an awed expression on her face. "Maker, Nate, she didn't leave us anything to do. By the time we got down to the cove, she had already taken out most of them with her lightning spells."

Nathaniel was glad when he saw Leonie and Cass sit together that night over dinner, discussing the events of the day. Leonie was gesturing, a smile on her expressive face, and Cass was nodding at her words, looking happy and relaxed. He smiled to himself. If the two women learned to respect each other, things would be a lot easier.

* * *

A few weeks after their arrival at the Keep, Nathaniel took Cass to Denerim. For the longest time, he had wanted to introduce her to Loghain Mac Tir. He rarely saw the older man nowadays, and he missed him. When Leonie had taken command at Vigil's Keep, Loghain had been dispatched to the city as a liaison between the Wardens and Queen Anora, much to his relief. Taking orders from an Orlesian would have pained him more than anything.

The Hero of the River Dane had finally grown grizzled, his face heavily lined, but his icy blue eyes were as clear and sharp as ever. Loghain looked Cass over, from head to foot. Nathaniel knew that he was looking for a resemblance to Morena, just like he himself had at first, a flash of the woman who had held them both captive back then. He noted with amusement that Loghain's gaze lingered for a moment on the firm, high curves of Cass' breasts. _Still not impervious to a woman's charms, are you, old man?_

He couldn't blame Loghain, though. Cass looked especially lovely today, in a dark blue tunic that clung tight to her slim, willowy body. She had pulled her luscious black hair back in an artful braid, with a few loose strands arranged tantalizingly around her face.

Loghain took his time assessing her before he spoke, but Cass didn't seem to mind. She was obviously thrilled to meet a living legend like him, a man who had featured heavily in the heroic tales of the rebellion she'd grown up with. She wasn't afraid to meet his gaze, though, her dark eyes as clear and open and honest as they had ever been.

"Another Amell woman then." Loghain sounded gruff, but there was respect, even admiration in his eyes. "I'd ask why you seem so drawn to them, Nate, if the answer wasn't so obvious."

Cass almost blushed at the compliment, but when Loghain asked for her version of the events in Kirkwall, she immediately became her usual, focussed self. Clearly and precisely, she outlined what had happened, without glossing over her own role. Loghain snorted contemptuously when she mentioned how Anders had deceived her, but he didn't interrupt. When she told him about the final battle, about the harvester and Meredith, his eyes flashed with excitement, though.

"Ah, to have been there!" He sounded wistful. "How I miss a proper fight, cooped up here in the city with the diplomats and politicians."

Cass smiled at his words, and Nathaniel felt his heart warm. It was good to see the two people he cared most about get on so well with each other.

When their visit drew to an end, Loghain rose and extended his hand to Cass. "It was good to finally meet you, Hawke. Your reputation is impressive, but it doesn't even begin to do you justice. Nate is a lucky man."

* * *

The early morning sun shone through their window at the Keep. Nathaniel stretched and reached for Cass who was squinting sleepily at him.

"Morning, love." He pulled her into a long, deep kiss, the first of many for today.

"Morning." She smiled back at him. "Everything all right?"

He laughed. "Why wouldn't it be? I'm right where I want to be." Growing serious, he rolled over, pulling her on top of him. "Cass, my life has never been as good as it is now. Waking up with you every morning, making love to you practically every night..." Without apparent reason, she froze in his arms. "What is it, Cass? Something I said?"

Cass was trembling. "Practically every night... Nathaniel, how long have I been here with you?"

He frowned, unable to comprehend what had her so agitated. "Seven weeks, almost eight. Why?"

She closed her eyes, a troubled expression crossing her face as she slid off the bed and grabbed her dress. "I need to see Wynne, Nathaniel." She turned to face him. "I think I may be pregnant."

* * *

_Many thanks to zevgirl for betaing this for me._


	11. Unexpected Developments

**Chapter 11 - Unexpected Developments**

Cass could hardly bear to look at Nathaniel. He had grown deathly pale, his eyes so full of pain and disappointment that it cut her to the core.

"Pregnant... So you did sleep with Fenris, that last night near Kirkwall." His voice was toneless.

Cass closed her eyes. "I'm sorry, Nathaniel. It was... I think we were looking for some sort of closure. A final goodbye, a confirmation that it was over. I simply didn't think-"

"No, you didn't." He rose and got dressed, his lips pressed tightly together. "I need some time alone, Cass."

"Nathaniel, please." She swallowed and put her hand on his arm. "We cannot even be sure-"

"You know it's not likely, just as well as I do, Cass." He gently removed her hand and left without another word.

Cass sighed. Of course Nathaniel was right. He was a Warden, whereas Fenris... With a sudden pang, she remembered his bitter jest back at Chateau Haine. _Elves breed quickly. We're plucky that way. _It seemed he had spoken the truth.

* * *

After breakfast, Cass set out to see Wynne. When Anders had left, Loghain had asked Morena's former companion to come back to the Keep as a healer. It had taken some persuasion, but eventually she had agreed, drawn mainly by the impressive library the Howes had assembled over the centuries. And she had demanded her own set of rooms, away from the Wardens, on the top floor of a quiet side wing.

With a heavy heart, Cass knocked on her door and explained the situation.

"So whose child is it?" Wynne carefully washed her hands before she began to examine Cass. "Don't give me that look! It can hardly be Howe's. He's been a Warden for six or seven years now. I sincerely doubt he's still able to father children."

Cass bit her lip, while the old mage's experienced hands checked her over. "But it's possible, isn't it? It could be his."

Wynne sighed. "Yes. Theoretically. There are no set rules for that kind of thing. Still, you wouldn't worry if you hadn't been with someone else, would you? Who is he?"

Cass raised her chin. "He's not with me any more. Someone I knew back in Kirkwall."

Wynne threw her a sharp look before she sat up, resting her palms on Cass' stomach for a moment. "It's a healthy baby, two months along, maybe three. Do you want to get rid of it?"

"Do I what?" Cass was sincerely shocked.

But Wynne just shrugged. "You're obviously in a difficult situation. And if you want to do something about it, I'd much prefer you tell me and don't do anything stupid."

Cass took a deep breath. "No. No, I... I want the baby. Besides, I couldn't do that to him. It wouldn't be right."

"Are you talking about Howe? Or about the other man?" Wynne sat back with a sigh. "Look, Cass, you seem like a straightforward, honest woman. Not to mention an able mage. How did you get yourself into such a pickle?"

Cass' first impulse was to tell the old woman to mind her own business. But then she thought again. The people at the Keep respected her, and that was important to her. She didn't want to be taken for a frivolous, man-eating tramp. Her pride asserted itself.

"It's complicated." In a few terse sentences, she explained about her blossoming relationship with Nathaniel, her passionate encounters with Fenris, the lyrium tattoos and their effect on their love-making.

When she was finished, Wynne snorted contemptuously. "And it never occurred to you to look for a solution, child? Maybe consult a few books on what could be done to control your magic while you're together? I seem to recall a few books about Tevinter magic in the Circle library at Kinloch. In the section reserved for senior enchanters, mind you."

Cass felt as if she had been slapped in the face. _Of course._ How could she have missed this? There had to be some way to rein in the reaction. Danarius would never have let himself lose control like this in the presence of his slave.

"I will write to my old friend Virnius to see what we can find out." Wynne sounded matter-of-fact about it. "In the meantime, there are some things that you should know, if you want to keep this baby."

Cass listened attentively as Wynne made several suggestions on how to best take care of herself and the growing life inside her. Some small part of her was surprised a Circle mage would be so knowledgeable about the particulars of a mage pregnancy, but she was grateful for the advice.

"Try not to fully deplete your mana reserves, if you can at all avoid it." Wynne sounded strict. "It's not good for you or the baby. And of course, absolutely no blood magic."

Cass raised a surprised eyebrow, but Wynne just smiled sardonically. "No need to pretend with me, girl, I know the signs. I also know that doesn't make you an abomination. However, if you know what's good for you, you'll stay away from those tricks until the child is born. It can be... very dangerous."

Cass nodded, her expression suitably chastised. After a few more tips, she left with a grateful nod at the older mage.

* * *

Thoughts were chasing each other in her head. What if there really was a way to tame her magic when she was with Fenris? Would that change things?

She had made her decision, and she was happy with Nathaniel, here at the Keep, sharing his life. They complemented each other in every aspect of their lives, on the battlefield as well as in the peace of their own home. His intellect easily matched her own, and he had strong opinions, often different from her own. Yet he had a way of presenting them that disarmed her, more often than not, instead of sending her into flying fits of rage, as Fenris had done.

With him it had been all passionate quarrels and fierce fights. Spirited and exhilarating, but ultimately exhausting. _Fenris_. She still dreamt of him, of that last night in the moonlit forest. Nathaniel never asked for an explanation, when she woke at night, sobbing quietly, and huddled up close to him, feeling so horribly guilty. What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she just forget the elf, when she was sleeping next to the man who was everything she'd ever wanted?

It wasn't as if Nathaniel wasn't able to satisfy her in bed, either. He was a conscientious lover, considerate and eager to please her, but never boring. He wanted her with a burning passion that never failed to ignite a similar flame in her. More than once he'd cornered her in some deserted corridor in the Keep, his hands sneaking greedily under her dress, teasing, playing her body until she was breathless and trembling with need. Usually, they would make it back to their room before they tumbled together onto the big bed, but she recalled one particularly memorable occasion when he'd taken her up against the wall of a small alcove, just a few corners away from Leonie's office.

Cass had to stifle a moan at the memory. The expression on Nathaniel's face, halfway between mischief and raw desire, his eyes dark with passion as he kissed her senseless. His mouth on her breasts, licking and sucking them through the thin fabric of her dress, his teeth scraping against her pebbled nipples. His hands shoving up her skirt, pushing aside her soaked smallclothes, rough, callused fingers trailing along her opening, then sliding inside her, caressing her expertly, relentlessly, until she was whimpering his name. The small strangled noise ripped from his throat as he entered her, filled her completely, then began thrusting with increasing force and speed. She bit his shoulder hard enough to draw blood when she came in his arms, trying to hold back her screams, her legs wrapped around his waist, his strong arms holding her up.

"Maker, Cass!" He had panted heavily, leaning his forehead against hers to catch his breath. "The things you make me do, love..."

No. Definitely not boring. Messy, crazy, not always perfect. _Real_. But never boring.

And it was a good life here at the Keep, worthy tasks to keep her busy, the respect of the Wardens surrounding her. Safe from the Templars too. Cass didn't particularly relish the prospect of being an apostate on the run again. True, she often chafed at having to submit to Leonie's orders. Yet in a way it was a relief not to have to make all the decisions herself any more.

But Fenris... Whenever she closed her eyes, a pair of green eyes would be there, looking at her the way he had on that last night. She put a hand on her stomach. What if the child was his? She knew how much it would mean to him, an escaped slave who had lost all memory of his own parents. But how in Thedas was she supposed to find him?

* * *

When she came back to her room, Nathaniel was waiting for her, sitting on the deep windowsill.

"Cass." A tentative smile spread over his face as he stretched out his hand and pulled her onto his lap. "What did Wynne say?"

With a sigh, she curled up in his arms and repeated the old mage's words, carefully editing out the more disturbing parts.

"Two to three months." There was a hitch in his voice. "So it could be-"

"Yes. But she didn't seem to think it was very probable." Cass cursed her own honesty even as the words left her mouth, but Nathaniel just sighed and pulled her closer.

"I love you, Cass. And I want you to have the baby. I promise I'll take care of you both. Even if..." He swallowed. "Maybe it's meant to be that way. After all, if I can't give you a child-"

"Nathaniel!" She turned in his arms and put a finger on his lips, her eyes flashing with anger. "Don't you dare say that. Don't even think that you're in any way inadequate. You are far more than I deserve." He smiled tiredly and tried to kiss her, but she pulled back with a sigh. "Still, Nathaniel, if this is Fenris' child, I have to tell him."

Nathaniel's expression grew dark again. "Why? I promise I will raise the child as my own, Cass. You don't need him."

"But he needs to know." Cass cupped his cheek, forcing him to look at her. "Please don't think I don't appreciate your offer, Nathaniel. It's kind and honourable and incredibly generous. But he has a right to be told."

Nathaniel sighed. "I can't deal with this now. Let's talk about this later, love. Maybe tomorrow." She nodded and curled up against his chest. They held each other for a long time until he had to leave her to see to his duties.

* * *

When she woke up the next morning, Cass found Nathaniel already dressed and returned from breakfast. He was an early riser, like most Wardens, and usually got up at the first light.

His face wore a grim expression as he handed her the letter he'd been reading. "News from Starkhaven, Cass. Sebastian is finally marching against the usurper."

* * *

_Hugs and thanks to zevgirl - so glad to have her help!_


	12. Battles Won and Lost

**Chapter 12 - Battles Won and Lost**

Nathaniel held up the letter for Cass to see. "It's a message from my old pal Ian." He shook his head. "Apparently he has joined Sebastian's army."

"You've never mentioned him." Cass looked at him curiously. "Is he from Starkhaven?"

Nathaniel nodded. "The son of a minor noble. We were squires together, years ago, and we became... good friends."

Never one to miss a nuance, Cass noticed his slight hesitation and raised a questioning eyebrow.

But he wasn't quite ready to tell her everything about his past, so he quickly changed the subject. "He enclosed a note from Prince Vael for you."

"For me? From Sebastian?" Cass sounded honestly surprised. "We may have parted on slightly better terms than usual, but we're hardly close friends."

She broke the seal and smoothed out the parchment, then began reading aloud.

_Dear Hawke,_

_If this letter reaches you, it means you have safely arrived at Vigil's Keep. As you will have learned from Ser Ian's missive, I have finally decided to take back what's rightfully mine. From all sides, people are flocking to join my banner, and the first skirmishes have proved hardly a challenge for my troops._

Cass rolled her eyes at this. "That's the problem with Sebastian. You can never tell how much is just wishful thinking." Shaking her head, she read further.

_Maker willing, we should be able to engage the usurper in a decisive battle any day now. _

But when she got to the final paragraph, her voice took on a strained note.

_You may know that Fenris has decided to join me in my endeavour. I am grateful to have such a loyal friend at my side in the battles to come. Please pray for us, Hawke. The Chant says the Maker will reward the righteous. Let's hope he will be on our side._

_Sebastian Vael, Prince of Starkhaven_

Cass sighed. "Oh Maker, he's really doing it." She looked up at Nathaniel. "What are his chances of success? You know more about Starkhaven than I do."

Nathaniel shrugged. "It's hard to tell. Ian wouldn't have joined him if the whole enterprise was doomed from the beginning. Sebastian is the rightful heir, and there seem to be plenty of malcontents ready to join him. On the other hand, Goran is a Vael too, albeit from a minor branch, and he has had plenty of time to consolidate his position. And Sebastian has no real experience at leading an army. It could go either way, I guess."

He sat down next to her on the edge of the bed. "But Cass, if Fenris is preparing for a major battle right now, you can't tell him about the baby. Not when it's still uncertain whether-"

"I know." Cass was visibly uncomfortable with the thought.

He knew how much she hated lies and half-truths, but this was too important to let go. "Fenris needs a clear head now. Please, love, let's wait until the child is born. Or at least until the situation in Starkhaven has been resolved."

She nodded reluctantly, and he let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding.

* * *

For the next few weeks, he racked his brain, trying to come up with arguments that would convince her she didn't have to tell Fenris. He'd never admit it, even to himself, but he was mortally afraid of what she would do if the elf decided he wanted her back, after all. After a lengthy conversation with Loghain, a plan was beginning to form in his mind. When they set out to inform the Commander of Cass' pregnancy, he felt he was well prepared.

Leonie kept them waiting at her door for a while. Glancing over at Cass' pale, tense face, Nathaniel took her hand and pressed it in reassurance, but she shook him off with an irritated frown. He sighed. He wasn't looking forward to telling Leonie either, but it was necessary. Soon Cass would no longer be able to go on dangerous missions.

He had known Leonie Caron for quite some time now, and knew she could be difficult, but even he hadn't anticipated the haughty disdain in her expression, when she heard the news.

"A child? Here, at the Keep? Surely you realize, Nathaniel, that there's a reason Wardens don't have families. How do you expect to support them? And why should I put up with feeding your _wife,_ if she is of no use to me any longer?

Before he could even answer, Cass snapped back at Leonie, her voice as cold as steel. "I won't be useless. Who do you think has provided your Wardens with traps and poisons in the past weeks? I can still do that, and more."

The Commander visibly bristled at her tone, and Nathaniel was quick to step in. "It won't be a problem. I have made arrangements for their future." He handed Leonie a sheaf of papers. "Queen Anora has very graciously agreed to reinstate my mother's dowry to me, as it was never part of the Howe estates. You may know that she came from a very wealthy family. I have settled enough money on Cass and the child to provide for them, even when I'm gone."

"You still have friends in high places, I see." Leonie's smile was sly, and it took all Nathaniel's control not to rise to the bait. Of course she knew about his friendship with Loghain, and the Hero of the River Dane still wasn't exactly popular with the Orlesian nobility.

"Alright." The Commander shrugged. "Have it your way. It's certainly not my place to question why you wish to take responsibility for this child."

Cass had listened to the conversation with barely concealed fury. Now she stepped between the two of them, her face hard with determination. "This is all very nice, but I'd kindly thank both of you not to discuss my fate without consulting me."

She took Nathaniel's hand in hers and pressed it briefly, but she turned to Leonie. "I have my own fortune, Commander, and it is considerable. Thanks to a good friend of mine in Highever, I have managed to salvage most of it. If you agree, I would like to rent one of the houses in the outer ward, near the gate. I believe there are several that would be suitable for us, more so than Nathaniel's room here at the Keep."

Leonie pondered for a moment, but Nathaniel didn't doubt she would agree. The houses had been empty since the darkspawn attack on the Keep several years ago, and the arldom could do with the additional income. Not to mention the fact that Leonie would be glad to have them both settled a little further away. In the end, they agreed on a rather exorbitant lease for a little cottage close to the smithy. It would need some work before they could move in, but he knew he could rely on the Keep's artisans for help. They were still in awe of the name Howe and would be honoured to help.

* * *

Six weeks later, the cottage was ready for them. It wasn't very big, just two rooms and a kitchen on the ground floor, and another two on top of it, but it was freshly painted and clean and pleasant to look at. There was plenty of furniture to choose from in the unused parts of the Keep. Nathaniel even dug up a carved wooden crib emblazoned with the Howe arms in one of the dusty attic rooms. Fortunately they could afford some servants too. With a jubilant heart, Nathaniel watched Cass take possession of her new home, knowing it would tie her even closer to him.

As the days grew shorter, they both settled into a comfortable routine, interrupted only when Leonie sent him out on a mission with the other Wardens. But even those were few and far between in those last days of autumn, leaving them plenty of time to enjoy their evenings together, once their duties at the Keep were done. Cass was true to her word and kept the Wardens' supply of poisons, traps and grenades well stocked, while Nathaniel had his hands full training new recruits and helping with the administration of the arldom.

At night they would light a fire in their small sitting room and talk or read or just sit together. They studiously avoided the topic of Fenris and what was happening in Starkhaven, though sometimes Nathaniel would notice Cass staring out the window, an absent expression on her pale, beautiful face. They both tried instinctively to find as many diversions as possible. Cass had discovered a stack of racy Orlesian novels in the Keep's library and, much to Nathaniel's surprise, spent hours devouring the adventures of demure demoiselles and dashing chevaliers at the Emperor's court.

One night he came upon her reading a finely bound volume with the words "The Devilish Duke" on the spine. With a smile, he sat down next to her and began to massage her feet, making her sigh happily.

"_The Devilish Duke_?" He made a face. "How can you stand this tripe, Cass?"

She pouted. "It's relaxing. And this one isn't bad, actually. Lots of historic background and details of Orlesian court life."

"Really?" His grin got broader. "Let me see."

He quickly snatched the volume from her hands and began to read aloud. "_Suzanne was shivering under Philippe's hot rakish gaze. He had hardly touched her, but her nipples were already standing proudly at attention and heat was pooling between her legs. _Maker, Cass!" He pretended to be scandalized. "Historic background indeed!"

Cass raised her chin at him and smiled provocatively. "So what? Are you worried that this will give your precious little innocent wife indecent ideas?"

He felt the heat rise within at her words and growled back at her. "I rather hope it will."

Swiftly, he pulled the stocking off her foot, still resting in his lap, and handed the book back to her. With exquisite care he let his fingers trace every bone, every knuckle, applying just the right amount of pressure.

"Maybe you ought to read some passages to me. Who knows, it might give _me_ some indecent ideas." He raised her foot to his mouth and gently took the first toe between his lips, licking it, swirling his tongue around it, then sucking hard.

Cass' head flew back with a gasp. "Nathaniel!"

He couldn't hide his grin. Ever since he'd discovered how sensitive her toes were, he had been unable to resist tormenting her like this. "Come on. Read."

She threw him a fiery glance. "As if you needed more indecent ideas, Nathaniel Howe." But she complied, and the sound of her voice, reading the salacious passage to him, was more arousing than he had expected.

"_With a dastardly grin, Philippe pulled his dagger and cut through the strings of her corset in one swift stroke." _Cass' voice faltered for a moment as he pulled her second toe slowly between his lips.

He immediately took advantage of this for commenting on the text. "Hard to pull off without slicing open her stomach as well."

Cass threw him a dark look. "It's a romance, Nathaniel. It's not supposed to be realistic. _The satiny aquamarine fabric of her gown slid down, exposing her perfect milky white breasts to his gaze. She squealed and tried to cover herself with her tiny hands, but Philippe would have none of it. He swept her off her feet and carried her over to the bed in his strong, muscular arms..."_

"Oooh, forceful!" Nathaniel couldn't quite resist the sarcastic comment, even though Cass was shivering under his caresses, and he had to admit he was feeling rather hot himself.

Cass looked at him from under heavily lidded eyes and put aside the book. "Maybe I enjoy a man being forceful now and then."

The rich, purring tone of her voice took his breath away. Clearly, the time for games was over. He decided to follow the dashing hero's example and gathered her in his arms, carrying her toward the stairs, up to their bed. It turned out to be a memorable night for both of them.

* * *

It was already midwinter when the message from Starkhaven reached them.

Sebastian's army had been soundly beaten, his followers dispersed. The losses had been heavy on both sides, but the usurper was firmly entrenched on his throne. The estates of the minor nobles around the city had been so thoroughly ravaged that no one was likely to support another uprising against the ruler any time soon. Ian's letter was full of resignation; all of his former jauntiness had disappeared.

As for Sebastian Vael, his current whereabouts were unknown. After the battle, he'd taken to the hills with his closest friends and supporters. But according to Ian they had all been grievously wounded, and at this time of the year their chances of survival were practically non-existent.

When Nathaniel reached that part of his friend's letter, he looked up at Cass' face, worried what her reaction might be. She didn't faint, didn't cry, but her features grew hard for a moment. She closed her eyes, and he saw a tremble run through her body. Slowly he pulled her in his arms and held her until the trembling had subsided.

* * *

_As usual, many thanks to zevgirl for editing and making this a much better read.  
_


	13. Family Matters

**Chapter 13 - Family Matters**

Cass sighed deeply. Part of it was sheer relief and blissful relaxation after an hour of gentle, sensuous massage at Nathaniel's capable hands. The other part was her increasing frustration with the way her body was changing. She felt huge and heavy, and even the almond oil that Nathaniel was applying so generously to her swollen stomach couldn't entirely prevent ugly tears from appearing in her skin. She had never felt so unattractive before.

Not that Nathaniel was complaining. All through the pregnancy he had been sweet and understanding, doing his best to relieve all the little aches and pains, to provide everything she was craving. And he seemed happy enough about her bigger breasts, hardly able to keep his hands and lips off them. Now he was leaning back, a contented expression on his face.

"Anything else I can do for you?" He gave her a suggestive look, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Oh, come on," Cass sneered. "I look like an overweight Bronto. You can't possibly tell me you want me like this."

Nathaniel raised an eyebrow. "Can't I? Then how do you explain this?" He took her hand and guided it down to his hardening length.

"You're half starved?" Cass grumbled. "Only explanation I can think of."

"Horseshit." His eyes darkened. "I do want you, Cass. More than ever. You're so beautiful."

His hands were stroking down the curve of her belly, caressing the taut skin, but Cass pushed them away, shaking her head. "Honestly, Nathaniel, I'm not in the mood." But when she heard his disappointed sigh, her face softened. "Still, there's no need for _you_ to suffer..."

She reached out for the oil bottle and grinned at his surprised face. "Just relax. I'm sure you'll enjoy this."

Sending a silent thank you to Isabela for the few pointers the pirate had given her a long time ago, during a particularly memorable girls' night out at the Hanged Man, she wrapped her fingers around him and let a generous amount of oil trickle over her hand. Nathaniel hissed with surprised pleasure as she let her hands slide deeper, cupping his balls, making sure the oil was distributed evenly. Then she let her hand wander up his shaft again, with considerably more pressure than she normally would have used.

"Maker, Cass!" He leant back against the wall, his legs spread a little, giving her free access.

"Relax." Ignoring his amused snort, Cass continued her stroking, up and down, increasing pressure and tempo until he grew tense in her hands, then backing down again, keeping him just on the edge for a deliciously long stretch of time.

"Cass." His eyes were closed and fine droplets of sweat appeared on his forehead. "You..."

She smiled at the blissful expression on his face. He was usually so concerned about her, so eager to make everything perfect for her. Tonight was just about him, however, and she enjoyed being able to do this for him, more than she had anticipated. The total abandonment with which he delivered himself to her caresses, his gasps and sighs when her exploring hands found a particularly sensitive spot, the visible effort it cost him to keep still as she took him close to completion and then denied it to him again and again - it all combined to make the experience a sheer pleasure for her as well.

When she finally took pity on him and closed her fingers tight around his tip, adding just enough friction, just enough pressure to make it impossible for him to hold on, his reaction was exquisite to watch. The way his body arched up as he came, the expression on his face, the low, hoarse moan torn from his lips... Cass couldn't hold back a triumphant laugh at the sight of him coming so utterly undone in her hands.

He laughed, too, as soon as he had recovered enough, and reached for a towel to clean them both up. "Thanks, love. I think I'll sleep well tonight."

Pulling the sheets over them, he carefully settled next to her, spooning her body with his, his hand settled on her belly, protective and warm.

* * *

A few days later she was sitting on her favourite seat next to the window overlooking the courtyard. For one brief moment she allowed herself to think about Fenris' fate. With no news from him in the past few months, she had to assume he was gone, dead from his injuries or frozen to death in the inhospitable mountains. _Gone_.

Most of the time she somehow managed to live with the loss, locking the pain away deep inside her, focussing on her life at Nathaniel's side. Cass had always made a habit of looking to the future rather than the past, to deal with the matters at hand rather than the ones she couldn't change. Yet the future carried its share of worries as well.

When Nathaniel arrived back from the Keep, he sat down at her side and took her feet into his lap, gently rubbing her swollen ankles. "What's the matter, love? You look unhappy."

She nearly snapped at him then, feeling irrationally irritated with him for being so nice to her. Honestly, sometimes she would have preferred a proper quarrel, just to let off steam. But then she relented in the face of his genuine concern.

"Nothing, really." She sighed. "Just... I'm really not sure I'll be able to deal with all this. Being a mother... I don't have the faintest idea how to do this, Nathaniel."

He laughed. "Is that all? I don't think anybody has, with their first child. How hard can it be, Cass? People do it all the time."

She frowned. "That's not what I mean. I guess, I just really don't want to end up like my own mother." There. She had said it.

Nathaniel's face grew serious. "Would that be so bad? What was she like, Cass?"

She took a moment to consider her answer. "Difficult. When you first met her you'd have said she was the sweetest person on Thedas. Until she started to complain. She used to complain about everything. Our life in Lothering, then Gamlen's hut in Kirkwall. Everything was less than she deserved, but she never actually made an attempt to change any of it. Instead she would always blame someone else. First my father, then me."

"She came from a noble family, didn't she? How did she end up with an apostate mage in the first place?" Nathaniel sounded genuinely curious.

"She met him at one of the Viscount's receptions where he was performing tricks for the guests. She fell in love with him, got pregnant, and the two ran off together." Cass made a face. "It was her own decision, really, but somehow she always managed to make my father feel guilty for it. Not that she ever said it aloud, mind you."

Cass snorted. "Anyway, when he died, she immediately became the picture of helplessness. Everything became my responsibility, and she blamed me for everything. Bethany's death, the situation in Kirkwall, Carver's problems... It was all my fault. Never hers, or Carver's for that matter. Her little prince could do no wrong. But then he wasn't a mage..."

She realized how bitter she sounded and shook herself. "Still, she didn't deserve what happened to her. Nobody would." Cass closed her eyes. For a moment the memories of that night in Kirkwall threatened to surface and she pushed them back with a visible effort, turning to Nathaniel. "What about your mother? You never talk about her."

Nathaniel shrugged. "There isn't much to say. She died a long time ago, and I hardly knew her." He took Cass' hand between his, warming it. "Being an Arlessa was the main focus of her life. I grew up with a nanny, and only saw her for official functions. She usually wasn't particularly happy to see me, anyway. I wasn't as dashing as Thomas, or as cute as Delilah. She loved my sister, I think, but she just wasn't interested in me at all."

"And your father?" Cass asked. "I know he did some pretty horrible things, but he can't have been a monster all the time."

Nathaniel sighed. "He wasn't an exceptionally bad father. As long as we did what he wanted, he was friendly enough, took us boys out riding and hunting. If we didn't obey, we'd get a whipping. Thomas was a lot better at pleasing him than I was, though, so I got rather more than my fair share of the whippings."

Cass felt a surge of fury at his father, for being so blind to his son's obvious qualities. Nathaniel must have seen it on her face because he drew her closer with a sigh.

"Don't bother, Cass. He's dead, and so is Thomas, and all this is long past. And you are no more destined to become your mother than I am to become my father. Loghain managed to teach me that much, at least." He gently kissed her forehead. "If we can't look to our parents for help, I guess that means we will just have to make it up as we go along."

Cass made a face and looked down at her stomach. "It doesn't seem we have a choice at this point. So I take it you don't want to call him Rendon if it's a boy?"

"Maker, no!" Nathaniel looked genuinely disgusted. "But why not name him after your father? Malcolm? We could call him Mal. Assuming it's a 'he.'"

"I have a feeling it is." Cass frowned. "_Mal._ You know, that doesn't sound too bad, actually. And my father was... alright, I guess. Strong. Witty. Clever. Slightly crazy, but kind-hearted."

Nathaniel smiled at the way her face had grown soft at the memory. "Well, you still have a few weeks to think about it."

* * *

But as it turned out, the baby had other ideas. Just two days later, still two weeks from her due date, Cass was woken in the middle of the night by a persistent ache in her lower belly. When she shook Nathaniel, it took him only moments to be wide awake.

"Already?" He didn't waste any time in getting Wynne, then spent the following six hours at her back, holding her through the increasingly forceful contractions. Cass did her best to follow Wynne's advice, breathing deeply, trying to go along with the slow progress of things, but her patience was wearing thin. It simply wasn't in her nature to wait for things to happen, and she wanted so badly for everything to be over.

Still, the baby wouldn't be rushed, and by the time Wynne told her to push she was so exhausted that all she could muster was anger. Anger at Wynne for asking yet another effort from her. Anger at the baby for taking so blighted long to work its way out. Anger at Nathaniel for being so terribly sweet and understanding. By the time the little head was finally crowning, she was screaming invectives at all of them, too furious to mind the pain any longer. Wynne just smiled to herself, but Nathaniel visibly flinched at the profanities streaming from her lips.

And then, with a final, almost desperate push, it was over. There was the oddest sensation of something scrabbling between her legs, and then the pain was gone, and Wynne was wrapping the little one into a blanket, handing the bundle to Nathaniel after a quick, cursory examination.

"It's a fine, healthy boy," she remarked.

"Let me see him." Nathaniel knelt down at her side, and Cass looked down at the little head in trepidation.

The baby was small, with a thick head of black hair, and his eyes were a clear, light blue.

Cass frowned. "He's all scrunched-up. He looks like... Carver, I guess? But why are his eyes blue? None of us has blue eyes. It doesn't make sense."

She realized she was shaking. A small part of her had hoped the baby was Fenris', just to have something of him that would remain. Yet at the same time she was pragmatic enough to wish for a less complicated outcome. In either case, she had been so certain she would know once the baby was born. But now she found she was none the wiser.

"Most babies have blue eyes at first," Wynne remarked. "It will take a while until the colour settles."

Cass swallowed. "Can you tell if he's half Elven?"

Nathaniel had been crooning softly at the baby, his lips pressed to the tiny head, a dreamy smile on his face. Now his head snapped up. "Cass, please. I told you-"

"No, there's no way," Wynne interrupted with a cool, humourless smile. "Even if the elf is his father, he'll be fully human. Maybe slightly more graceful and good-looking than the average Fereldan, but nothing else."

The baby had found Nathaniel's finger and begun to suck on it greedily. He laughed delightedly and carefully placed him in her arms. "It doesn't matter. He's beautiful, Cass. Perfect. And hungry."

And indeed the baby latched on greedily to her breast as soon as she put his little mouth close to it. Cass flinched briefly in pain, but then she saw the look on Nathaniel's face, full of love and tenderness and she closed her eyes and relaxed.

"Maybe you're right." She took Nathaniel's hand and held it tightly.

Their son. Little Mal. Maybe it really didn't matter. Right now, life was good.

* * *

_Many thanks to zevgirl for giving me the little shove I needed to make this better ;-). And thanks to katschabareb for pointing out that Nate is indeed the eldest Howe child.  
_


	14. Broken Things

**Chapter 14 - Broken Things**

Cass didn't get much sleep these days. Little Mal's crib stood right by her bedside. It was easier that way, saved her from having to get up when he was hungry or cranky in the middle of the night. And he was going through a particularly cranky phase right now, at six months of age, with his first tooth about ready to break through.

So when someone knocked insistently on their door late at night, Cass was already wide awake, sitting up by the light of an oil lamp and flinching in pain when her son's toothless gums clamped down hard on her nipple. Nathaniel grunted in his sleep next to her, too exhausted to even open his eyes. She didn't blame him. For more than two hours he had patiently tried to calm down the baby, who had been chomping down furiously on his index finger, managing to soften even the hardened calluses left by the bowstring.

Nathaniel had turned out to be a devoted father, gentle and sweet, surprisingly familiar with the details of baby care. When she had asked him why, a shadow had crossed his face. "Back in the Free Marches, when I was still a squire, I got one of the kitchen maids pregnant. Her name was Alyssa. I... I tried to do right by her, Cass, tried to help her with the baby. But they both died from a fever while I was out fighting with my liege lord." He'd swallowed. "Cass, if you-" She had taken his hand and pressed it hard.

He adored little Mal, couldn't get enough of holding the baby, talking to the little one, playing with the tiny little fingers. When the baby's eyes finally turned a clear, vibrant green, it hadn't made a difference. They both knew he was Mal's father in every way that mattered.

The knocking got louder and with a deep sigh, Cass got up, covering herself as best she could and shook Nathaniel until he was awake enough to take the baby from her arms. To her surprise, the little one snuggled up close to him, a yawn contorting his little scrunched-up face, then fell asleep without another sound.

"Couldn't have done this four hours ago, could you?" Cass grumbled before she threw on a cape and descended the stairs.

Carefully she opened the door just a tiny bit without actually loosening the latch, but when she saw who was outside, she immediately threw it open. "Isabela! What-"

"I'm sorry for intruding, Hawke." The pirate entered, quickly glancing around and motioned for the two mariners behind her to come in. "I didn't know where else to take him."

Cass had to suppress an anguished cry when she realized who the sailors were carrying between them. "Fenris!"

She hardly recognized him. His hair looked shaggy and unkempt, the green eyes were half-closed and glazed over with fever and his smooth skin was covered in dirt and half-scabbed over wounds. "Knife-wounds and rat-bites. He needs a healer, badly." Isabela's voice sounded strained. "I found him like this in Amaranthine, in the gutter outside a tavern in the docks. He sent me a message a while ago, asked me to meet him and Sebastian there, but-"

The pirate broke off and Cass threw her a sharp look. "Sebastian? What happened to him?"

"Dead." Isabela shrugged. "Killed in a tavern brawl, the barkeep told me. Apparently they were both too drunk to realize that their opponents weren't just common thieves. One of them sliced Vael's throat before he had a chance to attack. Fenris put up quite a fight, but against six of them... They left him for dead, took everything he had. I managed to buy back his sword and armour from the barkeep, though - apparently they didn't have any use for either of it."

In the meantime the sailors had followed Cass' instructions and put Fenris down on the large kitchen table. "Thank you, Isabela." She swallowed. "I'll send for Wynne. Let's see if we can get him cleaned up a bit before she arrives. Your men can sleep in the barn. It's warm and cozy."

The sailors disappeared with a grateful nod. Cass shook the maid awake and sent her up to the Keep for the healer. With a quick flick of her hand, she warmed some water in a large copper bowl.

"That's handy." Isabela grinned. "I've never seen you use magic for such a simple task before."

"Saves time." Cass' face was grim as she took a wad of towels from the shelf and proceeded to peel the dirty rags from Fenris' chest. He moaned in pain and tried to slap her hands aside, but he was too weak. With Isabela's help, Cass managed to scrape off the worst of the grime before Wynne arrived.

The old mage threw Cass a knowing glance when she saw Fenris' tattoos, but she refrained from any comment and quickly set to examining and healing him. The smaller wounds were easily treated with salves and poultices, but there was a nasty gash across his thigh where infection had set in. In the end, Wynne spent almost an hour cleaning it out and knitting the torn flesh and muscle carefully together, using only the bare minimum of magic to keep his brands from flaring up at her touch. They wrapped the elf up in several layers of bandages and managed to get a few drops of a healing potion down his throat.

"Is there a bed we can move him to?" Wynne sounded exhausted.

Cass nodded. "Over there, in the spare room. He's heavy, though."

"I'll help." Nathaniel had appeared on the stairs without making a sound. _I keep forgetting how quiet and stealthy he can be if he needs to._ Cass threw him a thankful look, and together they carefully manoeuvred Fenris' limp body to the bed. The elf was still feverish, tossing around under the blanket, his face covered in cold sweat.

A small cry sounded from upstairs. _Damn. Mal's awake again._ Cass flinched.

"I'll sit with Fenris till morning." Isabela was smiling. "Sounds like you are needed elsewhere."

Wynne glanced at them, her face impenetrable. "Call me if he gets worse. And you'd better inform the Commander in the morning."

Nathaniel nodded and put his arm around Cass' shoulders. "Let's try and get a little sleep, love. If we can. We'll need our strength tomorrow to deal with this."

She leaned back against him with a grateful sigh and allowed herself to be led upstairs.

* * *

For the next two days, they took turns sitting at Fenris' bedside as he was fighting the fever ravaging his body. His ramblings made little to no sense, except when he was calling out for Cass, assuring her of his love for her, his regret at having left her. It took all Nathaniel's self control not to shout out his frustration in these moments.

Finally the fever broke, and Isabela left them to get back to her ship. Fenris remained weak, though, and it took another two weeks before Cass judged him well enough to talk to him. She braced herself and entered his room.

"Cass!" His face lit up at the sight of her. "What's the matter?"

She sat down on a chair next to his bed. "There's something I need to tell you, Fen."

* * *

When Nathaniel entered the room half an hour later with the sleeping baby, Fenris was shaking with emotion. Carefully Cass took little Mal from him and placed him into Fenris' arms.

For a few long minutes, Fenris didn't speak at all, just gazed down at the tiny being in his arms. Then Mal yawned and stretched, blinking up at him with a large green eye and Fenris laughed in delighted surprise. The baby burped contentedly and closed his eyes again. The elf reached out and traced the delicate features with a feather light touch. "My son." It was barely a whisper.

Tearing his eyes away from the small face for a moment, Fenris looked up at Nathaniel. "It is my understanding that you were here for Cass and the baby all these months. I cannot thank you enough, Howe."

Nathaniel had watched Fenris, his hands clenched into fists. He nodded. "You're welcome. But what now? Do you wish to... claim him?" His jaw was tense, and it was obvious how much effort the question had cost him.

Fenris shook his head. "What kind of a man would I be if I took him from you now? Cass has made her decision. And I have nothing to offer him, no home, no security. But... if I could come here and see him now and again..."

Nathaniel smiled, his relief obvious. "What kind of a man would I be if I said no? Of course you can. We'll work something out. But first you need to get your strength back."

* * *

It took several weeks for Fenris to recover fully, but at the end of Drakonis he asked Cass for a word in private. She threw a pleading look at Nathaniel who nodded and took little Mal out for a walk in the courtyard.

"It's time for me to leave, Cass." She had expected his words, but they hurt nevertheless. "Nathaniel has been more than patient, but I don't want to overstay my welcome. I'll go to Denerim and apply for a place with the Blackstone Irregulars."

"Mercenaries?" Cass wasn't quite able to hide her surprise. "Why?"

"Fighting is all I know how to do. Sebastian promised to make me captain of his guard, but now that he's gone..." Fenris sounded dejected, and Cass reminded herself he and the prince had been close.

"It's a pity he had to end like this." It was the most gracious thing she could think of to say. In her heart of hearts, she despised Sebastian for giving in so easily.

Fenris nodded. "He had so much to live for. So many were still loyal to him, like the squire that hid us during the winter. But he was so desperate, Cass, so convinced the Maker had forsaken him, because of the devastation his army had wrought in the countryside around Starkhaven. He felt so horribly guilty about it. That's why he started to drink."

"He should have stayed in Kirkwall. He was happy there, in the Chantry." Cass sighed. "If only Anders hadn't-"

"That mage!" Fenris snorted. "Why he thought his actions would change anything for the better is beyond me."

Cass turned to look out of the window at the well-ordered yard of the Keep outside. "Poor Anders. I think Merrill understood him really well. She once said he had broken the very thing he wanted to save."

Fenris sighed. "Haven't we all? Cass, I-" He broke off, unable to find the words for what he wanted to say and put his hand on her sleeve instead.

She looked down on his long, finely formed fingers, so unfamiliar without his gauntlets and gently placed her hand on top of his.

He flinched and instinctively tried to back away, but then his eyes widened when he realized nothing had happened. "Cass!"

She smiled sadly at him. "Wynne found a way for me to suppress the reaction. It's a modified shield spell, quite weak, so it uses up only a little mana. But it means I can shield myself from the effects of the lyrium and touch it freely. As long as I keep the spell up, I've got everything under control."

He closed his eyes, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood. "So if you'd known earlier..."

Cass nodded and pulled back her hand. "It seems we weren't meant to be, Fen. I'm sorry."

"So am I, Cass." He sounded fatalistic, but when he raised his gaze to look at her, his eyes told a different story. It was still there, all the love, all the longing, and she had to turn away to regain her balance. Not before he had read the same in her answering gaze, though. He swallowed, and for a moment it seemed as if he wanted to say something.

But then little Mal squealed happily outside where Nathaniel was lifting him high up in the air with a happy laugh.

"They're back." Fenris' deep voice was vibrating with such a host of unspoken feelings that Cass marvelled at his outward composure. "Time for me to leave. You'd better join them."

* * *

_Hugs and thanks to zevgirl. If my writing has improved at all, it's thanks to you, my dear!_


	15. Routine Troubles

**Chapter 15 - Routine Troubles**

Cass rushed to the gatehouse to welcome Nathaniel home as soon as she heard the Wardens come back from their trip to the Deep Roads. He had been gone for close to four weeks, and she had missed him horribly. Nathaniel's face lit up at the sight of her. They all looked battered, more so than usual, and her suspicions were confirmed when he leaned heavily on her shoulders. What was supposed to have been just another routine patrol had ended in a desperate fight for their lives.

"Broodmother." He sounded terse and distressed. "I'm so glad to be home in one piece, love."

"As well you should be, Howe." Oghren slapped him hard on the back, making him wince. "That was a close call. Good thing you know how to use that bow of yours."

Cass bit her lip. She had tried hard not to worry about him while he was gone. Not that she'd had much time to brood. Mal was going through a particularly taxing phase right now. _Terrible twos indeed._ His stubborn insistence on doing everything "myself", only to wind up crying in frustration when he didn't succeed, was beginning to wear on her nerves. To make it worse, he had developed a nasty cough, and despite the healing potions she had fed him, he'd been sick and cranky for the last five days. She was pretty much at the end of her tether as well, even if she knew her experiences didn't compare with hunting down darkspawn.

Nathaniel took a bath, devoured a huge dinner and played with Mal who miraculously transformed into a sweet, well-behaved little angel the moment he set eyes on his father. After he'd gone to sleep, Cass listened patiently to Nathaniel's account of their mission. It was obvious he was deeply worried about finding another darkspawn lair, and in principle she shared his concern. Yet, as he went on and on about the strategic implications, her attention began to wane. She had missed him so much. Right now, she didn't want to hear about darkspawn and the Deep Roads. She wanted to cuddle up close to him and feel his hands on her body, familiar and reassuring.

"Cass!" His voice sounded irritated. "Have you heard a single word I've been saying?"

She sighed. "I'm sorry, Nathaniel. I'm just tired, and you must be exhausted. Let's go to bed, shall we?"

He nodded, though it was obvious he was still preoccupied.

Cass lay on her side, her head propped up on her elbow, and watched Nathaniel undress in the flickering light of the fireplace. He was still worth watching, his powerful body in good shape thanks to the rigorous training Leonie put her Wardens through. His belly and chest were taut and well-muscled under the fine down of black hair covering them. His wide shoulders were sagging with exhaustion, though.

Finally, he crawled into bed with her and pulled her close, kissing her gently on the forehead. "Night, Cass. We can talk more tomorrow."

Cass moaned happily at his touch. Maker, how good it was to be in his arms again. A familiar heat was spreading inside her. Leaning over him, she kissed him playfully on the lips, her hands drawing soft circles on his chest.

"Welcome home, love." Her voice had become a deep, seductive purr, and her hand was travelling deeper, eager to feel him harden for her.

He kissed her back, but then he stifled a yawn and caught her wrist, making a face. "I'm sorry, Cass. I'm really not in the mood tonight. Let me sleep and I'll see what I can do for you in the morning."

Another yawn, and his eyes were already closing. Cass sighed, punching her pillow in frustration. It seemed she would have to deal with her arousal herself. _It's a good thing I've had enough practice lately._ A bitter little laugh escaped her lips even as her hands began to create a pleasant tingle between her legs. Nathaniel tossed in his sleep for a moment, but then relaxed again.

* * *

She didn't sleep well that night. His description of the broodmother, carefully edited as it no doubt had been, gave her the most gruesome nightmares she'd had in a long time. Then Mal woke up and had to be cuddled for half an hour before he grudgingly went back to sleep. And when she returned to her bed, Nathaniel began to snore softly, effectively keeping her from going back to sleep again.

So she was less than enthusiastic when she felt his hand on her breast early in the morning and heard his hoarse voice whisper in her ear. "Cass? Are you awake?"

Cass groaned, but he mistook the noise for a pleased moan and let his hands roam further down her body. _Ah, well. At least he's back again. _With a sigh, she turned over and let him proceed, his caresses following a familiar routine. Hands stroking her thighs, spreading them. Lips on her breasts, gently nibbling and suckling, then working their way deeper, slowly, no rush.

Her mind began to wander. _Good to have him back, certainly. He can take Mal off my hands today for a while, give me a chance to catch up with my traps. Leonie expects to have a full set by tomorrow, and some of them are tricky... I think I'm nearly out of toxin extract. I'll have to get some from Yuriah... And maybe drop in at the healer's, get some more cough medicine for Mal. I really ought to get something for Nathaniel as well, just to be on the safe side. It wouldn't be a surprise if he caught the bug as well... Is that another cough from Mal?_

Nathaniel's head was between her legs now, his tongue gently pushing against her. It felt good, sweet, pleasant, but... "Ouch!" Grabbing his hair, she pulled him back. "Too much."

He sighed. "Sorry, love." He went back to what he was doing, but it was no good. Cass felt her irritation growing. _Too much, too fast, too soon._ Suddenly all the pleasure seemed to have ebbed away.

"Nathaniel?" She wiggled out of his grasp. "Please stop."

She could see the disappointment on his face. And a hint of anger. "What's the matter, Cass? You were so eager last night, and I thought..."

"That was last night. Now-" Mal coughed again and she got up, biting back a curse. "I have to go check on Mal."

Nathaniel lay back with a sigh. This was not how he had imagined their reunion.

* * *

They didn't see much of each other until noon. Cass snuck off to her workroom as soon as she decently could, leaving Nathaniel alone with Mal. He looked vaguely irritated at her assumption that he would take care of the boy, but as she had expected his frown quickly disappeared when Mal smiled at him, an adoring expression on his small chubby face.

"Take me to the kennels, daddy?" The boy looked hopeful, and Nathaniel agreed with a laugh.

But his good mood suffered considerably when Mal went into a full-blown temper tantrum, unwilling to leave his mabari playmates just because it was time for lunch. No amount of coddling or persuasion would shut him up, and Nathaniel ended up throwing the child over his shoulder like a sack and carrying him back to the house. Mal was still sniffling when they sat down for lunch. Cass raised an eyebrow at his red, scrunched-up face, but refrained from commenting. As soon as they had finished their meal, she sent the boy off to his room for a nap. He whined and complained, but to Nathaniel's surprise fell asleep within minutes.

Back in the kitchen, Nathaniel stopped Cass before she could leave again. "What's the matter with him, Cass?"

"What do you mean?" When Nathaniel described the scene at the kennels, she shrugged. "Sounds familiar. He's discovered he has a will of his own. It can be exhausting."

"Well, he wasn't like this before I left." Nathaniel sounded petulant. "Maybe you need to be more consistent with him, make sure he knows this kind of behaviour is not acceptable."

Cass took a deep breath. _Oh, this is rich. You leave me here for a month and as soon as you're back... _"Are you telling me how to deal with my son now?"

Nathaniel went pale. "He's my son too. And you were happy enough to leave him with me this morning while you went off doing Maker knows what."

"It's called _working_, Nathaniel." She was furious now. "I know I'm not a big hero slaying broodmothers, but it's necessary work. Unless you want to face the next darkspawn attack without traps and poisons."

Nathaniel ground his teeth. "Yeah, well, your _necessary_ work will have to wait. I need to go and see Leonie now, for my debriefing."

All through the afternoon they avoided each other. When Nathaniel came back from the Keep, Mal was awake again, squealing with happiness at the sight of his daddy. Cass disappeared into her workroom.

Dinner was a subdued affair, with Mal being half asleep already after the day's exertions, and the two of them tight-lipped and grumpy. Nathaniel looked relieved when Cass announced Mal's bedtime, but it was obvious he hadn't anticipated the hour-long struggle that followed. _Mummy, I'm thirsty. Daddy, there's a genlock under my bed. Mummy, will daddy still be here tomorrow? Daddy, can you take me to the lake? One more story? Just one? Now I'm thirsty again. My bear is missing. _

In the end, Nathaniel couldn't take it any more and screamed at the boy to shut up and go to sleep, only to have him burst into desperate tears, sobbing into Cass' shoulder, the little body shaking all over. Cass shooed Nathaniel out with a look and held the boy tight, murmuring soft endearments.

When she emerged from his room ten minutes later, she sighed with relief. "He's asleep."

"Maker, Cass, has he been like this for the past three weeks?" Nathaniel sounded incredulous.

"Pretty much." Cass shrugged. "Whenever he wasn't throwing up all over me."

Nathaniel grimaced. "Poor you." He walked over to her, taking her in his arms. "I'm sorry, Cass. I was a pain earlier today, wasn't I?"

She glowered at him. "Yes. You were."

"Do you think..." He kissed the corners of her mouth, trying to coax a smile out of her. "Do you think you could forgive me?"

She shivered as she met his eyes, but she held out a little longer. "I might."

"Tell me." His lips were more insistent now. "Tell me what I can do to make you smile at me again." His kiss was deep and forceful and left her reeling in his arms. "Tell me what it will take to make you forget about my stupid words."

His mouth was on her throat now, hot and greedy, and she moaned. "I think you have the right idea."

"Good." His grin was smug. "Come to bed, love." He pulled her close and turned to head for the stairs.

"Wait." Suddenly serious, she caught his gaze. "I'm sorry too, Nathaniel. I... I didn't listen and-"

"Shhhh." He shut her up with another searing kiss. "Later. Now we have to make up for lost time, don't you think?"

With a happy sigh, she leaned against his shoulders and let him take her to their room.

* * *

_Many thanks to zevgirl for her help and advice._


	16. Only in Dreams

**Chapter 16 - Only in Dreams**

Cass hadn't been to Denerim in a while, so when the opportunity arose to meet Fenris on his quarterly leave from the Irregulars, she gladly arranged for the townhouse to be opened up for a week. The large, airy house at the outer edges of the Palace District had been part of Nathaniel's inheritance from his mother, and Cass had grown rather fond of it in the three years since Mal's birth. It was good to be able to get away from the Keep now and then, an opportunity to shop in the capital's markets and to meet old friends.

And Mal was eager to see Fenris. Much as he loved Nathaniel, the elf was his hero, like an uncle or elder cousin. Nathaniel would have preferred to keep up the illusion, but Cass had insisted on telling Mal the truth right from the start. It had been difficult at first, but now the two men had worked out a delicate balance, not quite friends, but no longer enemies either. It was an unusual arrangement, based as it was on the unspoken assumption that Cass had made her choice and would stick with it. But it worked well so far.

At Nathaniel's invitation, Loghain joined them later in the afternoon. Fenris was playing with the boy in the courtyard and Loghain, who hadn't met the elf before, was watching them, his face unreadable. Of course he knew about Mal's parentage. Cass was pretty sure he didn't approve in principle, but he seemed to be pragmatic enough to accept their decision. Besides, Loghain liked Mal. He enjoyed talking to the bright little boy, even if he had no lack of grandchildren of his own now.

When Anora had married Teagan Guerrin a few years ago, most people had expected the queen to remain childless. But she had surprised everyone by giving birth to no less than four children in quick succession, first two boys, Maric and Gareth, then beautiful twin girls who had been named Rowan and Moira. For the first time in many years, there was no need to worry about who was going to inherit the throne. None of this had kept Anora from being actively involved in government. Her popularity had soared, as had Teagan's, even though it was an open secret that he had taken a beautiful Antivan mistress shortly after their marriage.

Loghain had picked up Fenris' greatsword and was inspecting it curiously. "An unusual weapon. Do you know how to use it, elf?"

Fenris looked openly amused. "Of course."

"Let me see. Nate, get your daggers." Loghain's tone allowed no contradiction and Nathaniel disappeared with a grin. Ignoring Mal's vocal protests, Cass sent him off to his room with his nursemaid. This wasn't going to be child's play.

Neither Fenris nor Nathaniel were dressed for a sparring session, but they both jumped at the chance to see how their fighting skills measured up against each other. Cass couldn't take their eyes off them as they were circling each other warily in the small courtyard. Fenris moved with the grace of a large cat, wielding his heavy weapon with apparent ease, watching silently, waiting for his chance to attack. Nathaniel, on the other hand, was dancing around him with quick, nimble steps, his daggers in constant motion, a constant stream of taunts on his lips that got progressively more explicit.

"Watch your tongue, Howe, there's a lady present." Fenris' caustic tone carried more than just a hint of humour.

"Don't worry." Nathaniel spun around and in a smooth movement slipped beneath the elf's defences. "I know how to take care of that particular lady."

The rogue's blades missed Fenris' upper arm by a hair's breadth, cutting a deep swathe into his shirt and nicking the smooth olive skin. But the warrior's sword came up just in time, dealing a hard blow with the flat of his blade against Nathaniel's chest that sent him flying several paces backwards.

"In my experience the lady can take care of herself just fine." There was definitely a smirk on Fenris' face now.

Nathaniel was back on his feet in the blink of an eye and was already poised for another attack, when Loghain intervened with a worried frown. "Put away your weapons, both of you. I don't want to see you get hurt."

"All right, wrestling it is, then." Nathaniel's voice sounded hoarse, but elated. Both men dropped their blades, and when Fenris took off his torn shirt, Nathaniel followed suit. Cass watched them, hardly able to hide her excitement at the sight of their bodies, covered in sweat and dust, as they wrangled each other to the floor. They were pretty evenly matched, Fenris having the superior strength, which Nathaniel made up for with greater agility. None of them was holding back any more, and it was a fierce struggle, each of them determined to come out victorious.

Loghain snorted with barely hidden amusement next to her. "About time they had it out. This should do them both good."

In the end, Nathaniel managed to knock Fenris on his back with a complicated move that took full advantage of the elf's strength. Without wasting time, he straddled his opponent's chest, pinning him down. For the briefest of moments, Fenris' brands flashed blue, and Cass instinctively reached for her staff, but then the elf signalled his surrender and Nathaniel jumped up with a brief laugh of triumph.

When the two of them returned, having cleaned up and changed into new clothes, Loghain pulled Fenris aside.

"A fighter like you is wasted in the mercenaries. I will talk to Ser Cauthrien. The Queen's Guard would be a more fitting place for your talents."

Cass heard Fenris' sharp intake of breath at the unexpected proposal. "An elf in the Queen's Guard?"

Loghain shrugged. "Why not? I've fought alongside elves all my life and they've never let me down."

They had dinner together and then spent a pleasant evening at the fireplace, sharing the last few bottles of a particularly fine Tevinter vintage. Loghain was the first to announce his departure, stifling a yawn and renewing his promise to have a chat with Ser Cauthrien in the morning.

A little while later Fenris left, with a faint kiss on Cass' cheek and a hearty handshake for Nathaniel. She bit her lip when she saw him walk out, but then she followed Nathaniel up the stairs into the room they shared.

* * *

Cass undressed quickly and slid into bed next to Nathaniel, cuddling up against his broad shoulder. He pulled her close and breathed in the scent of her hair, gently stroking her back, but when he spoke, his voice sounded rough.

"You still want him, don't you? I saw your face this afternoon when we were fighting."

Cass twisted her head so she could see his expression, but he could be unreadable when he chose to be. "Honestly? Do you really want to know what I was thinking then?"

Nathaniel's grip on her shoulders tightened. "Yes."

Cass swallowed. "Watching the two of you fight like that, I... I wanted both of you, Nathaniel." A deep blush spread over her cheeks.

She had expected him to be surprised, angry, defensive.

She hadn't expected his low chuckle. "You mean... both of us at the same time?"

When she nodded, he turned so that they were lying face to face.

"Tell me more about it." His voice had dropped several notches and her blush deepened.

"I don't think I can-"

"Tell me. What do we do in this fantasy of yours?" There was a dark amusement in his tone, and it triggered something deep inside her.

She closed her eyes and began, hesitant at first. "We're here in this room, all three of us."

"Naked?" Nathaniel's voice barely rose above a whisper, and she nodded.

"You are kissing me, caressing me, _licking _me, and Fenris is there at my back, warm and strong, holding me, touching me all over, and it is..."

"So good?" He finished for her, and she nodded again, without opening her eyes.

His lips trailed along her collarbone now, and he spoke so softly she hardly heard him. "Like this?"

His mouth reached her breasts and his tongue flicked against a nipple. Cass moaned, digging her hands into his hair, her nails scraping his scalp, pushing him deeper. He laughed again and slid between her legs, spreading them wide, arranging them over his shoulders before he leaned down to taste her.

She lost herself in the feeling of his tongue, his lips, his fingers opening her up, pushing inside her, while her mind was providing more explicit images yet. _Fenris kneeling behind her, both hands firmly on her hips, pushing her legs apart, teasing her with his hardness, making her beg..._

Nathaniel moved up to kiss her again, his hand still firmly lodged between her legs, fingers curling deep inside her. "And then, Cass? Who gets to take you first?"

"Nathaniel, please, I-" She was shivering all over now, feeling guilty and aroused and desperate for more at the same time.

"Tell me." The heel of his hand pressed hard against her sensitive core and she literally saw stars.

"Fenris first," she whispered. _Yes, Fenris entering her from behind with excruciating slowness. So right, so good, so perfect! And Nathaniel's lips on hers, kissing her, devouring her, her body held up between the two of them..._

Cass couldn't help it. She threw her head back and keened with lust. Nathaniel's moan echoed her own as his hand pushed deeper, murmuring encouraging words, until he felt her clench around his fingers with a last high-pitched whimper.

And then he was between her legs, his hand replaced by his hard cock, filling her, taking her, making her all his again.

"Look at me, Cass!" His voice was hardly more than a dark growl. _Dark and wicked. _Cass gasped at the sound of it, at the words he breathed into her ear, suggestions which made her blush with shame and tremble with lust at the same time.

"Nathaniel!"

This other, darker side of him touched something deep inside her, some hidden part she wouldn't even admit to herself in the normal course of events. Now it sent her flying into a second climax faster than she would have believed possible. Her legs wrapped tightly around his hips, she drew him with her, the world shattering into a million little pieces.

When she was able to think clearly again, her cheeks grew hot with shame. She felt as if she had somehow betrayed both of them.

Nathaniel was staring down pensively at her face. He seemed to read her thoughts.

"It's fine, Cass, don't worry. I love you and I know you're mine."

She shook her head. "This is a dangerous game, Nathaniel."

His face darkened. "Regrets?"

Cass shook her head. "Regrets are futile. And I love you."

It wasn't the whole truth, she knew. Thinking of Fenris, dreaming of him, made her miss him more than she dared admit even to herself.

But there was something else nagging at her. "Nathaniel? Did you ever actually..." Cass blushed again. "I mean, it seemed as if you knew..."

Nathaniel chuckled softly, stifling a yawn at the same time. "Yes. A couple of times, actually, back in Ansburg, with Ian. It's a long story." There was a smug grin on his face. "Maybe I'll even tell it to you one day."

"You are impossible." Cass boxed him hard on the upper arm, making him cry out in pain and starting a brief scuffle that left them both breathless and laughing.

"I love you, Cass." He pulled her close, kissing her deeply.

"And I love you." She snuggled up close to him. "So very much."

* * *

_Many thanks to zevgirl for her help - it's much appreciated!_


	17. Helpless

**Chapter 17 - Helpless**

Nathaniel was lifting the last of their trunks onto the oxcart that would take them to Vigil's Keep, when Loghain unexpectedly showed up in the townhouse's backyard.

"Nate. Are you planning on going back today?" Loghain's face was somber.

Nathaniel nodded. "We were just about to leave. Why? Is there a problem?" They had spent the last evening at Loghain's quarters here in Denerim and said their goodbyes. If the old man showed up now, it would hardly be for sentimental reasons.

Cass came out of the house just then, followed by Mal and his nanny. She greeted Loghain with a peck on the cheek and raised a questioning eyebrow at him. "What's the matter? Anything wrong? I didn't expect to see you here today."

The frown on Loghain's face deepened. "Maybe you should reconsider your plans. There've been rumours of darkspawn activity on the road to Amaranthine."

"Darkspawn? Near the Pilgrim's Path?" Nathaniel laughed. "Sounds unlikely to me. Probably just some drunken carter who lost his cargo and needed someone to blame."

But Loghain shook his head, his expression grave as ever. "It was more than just one report, Nate. It would be safer to wait until you can join a larger party. There are a couple of merchants ready to set out within the week-"

Nathaniel snorted. "Merchants? Come on, Loghain. The last thing we need is a whole caravan of carts slowing us down. We have a couple of guards with us, Rafe and Harry. You know they're reliable in a fight. And I can take care of darkspawn attacks just fine. Warden, remember?"

Cass had stepped closer. She looked worried. "I don't know, Nathaniel. This is not a patrol to the Deep Roads. Rafe and Harry may be good men and decent fighters, but they're hardly trained Wardens. And we have Mal with us. Maybe Loghain is right."

Nathaniel closed his eyes for a moment. Cass' words sounded reasonable enough, but at the same time he couldn't quite suppress a feeling of irritation. Didn't she trust him to make the right decision, after all these years?

"Cass, do you honestly think I would risk your life, or Mal's? I wouldn't dream of leaving if I wasn't absolutely sure I can protect you from a few 'spawn."

Cass sighed, a deep, impatient huff. "It's not a question of trust, Nathaniel. I know you can handle them." Her next words only served to irritate him further though. "Maybe we should ask Fenris to come along, just to be on the safe side."

"Cass!" He was getting genuinely angry now. "I told you that's not necessary. We're leaving. Now. We will be perfectly safe on the road."

For a moment it seemed as if she was going to contradict him. He could almost see he words forming on her lips. But then her face softened and she pulled him close. "Stubborn, silly man!" she breathed into his ear as she kissed his cheek. "Alright. Let's get started. We don't want to get caught in the dark."

Loghain's lips were pressed into a thin line, but he knew better than to argue any further. "At least take two of my guards with you." With a quick shake of his head, he indicated two men who had waited patiently near the gate.

Nathaniel grinned. _You didn't really expect me to give in, did you? Sly old fox_. But he gratefully accepted the offer. Only a fool wouldn't have.

* * *

The first part of the journey was uneventful, rather boring as a matter of fact. They had to keep to the slow tedious pace of the oxen, and Mal kept complaining about being cooped up in the cart. Sitting still for such a length of time was hard on the little boy. Cass and the nanny tried to keep him busy with various games and regular snacks, but by the end of the day Nathaniel was heartily glad when their inn came in sight. It was a huge old building with fortified stone walls, more like a forbidding fortress than an inviting resting place, but they would be safe here for the night. They didn't sleep too well in the rough straw beds, but the food was plentiful and the ale decent. They set out again in the morning feeling refreshed and eager to get home.

Everything went well until they reached a small river crossing near the Wending Wood. Nathaniel had gone ahead to make sure the water wasn't too deep. He had just raised his hand to wave the cart driver over to his side, when he heard an all-too familiar high-pitched noise and blanched. _Shrieks. Blight it!_

He swivelled around on his heels, but it was already too late. Before he could even draw his daggers, two sets of long talons were lacerating his chest and stomach. The pain was excruciating and he heard himself scream, utterly helpless as the creature pinned him to the ground and slashed at him repeatedly. The last thing he saw was Cass pulling Mal behind her and raising her staff, her face a mask of fear and fury. Then everything went black.

* * *

When he opened his eyes again, it was eerily quiet. He was flat on his back on some sort of blanket, and the pain in his chest seemed to have gotten worse. Someone pressed something soft and wet onto the wound, and it took all his control not to scream.

"Nathaniel. Thank the Maker, you're awake." Cass' voice, calm and collected. No one but him would be able to pick up the slight tremble underlying her decisive tone. "Don't move. You're badly hurt and I need to get this bandaged before we can do anything else."

"Cass." Even the one word made him flinch in pain. "Mal? Is he..."

"He's fine, don't worry." She smiled for a moment. "Now drink this."

He gratefully swallowed the potion she offered him. Elfroot, by the taste of it. And something else... Something to make him sleep, he dimly realized before he passed out again, swallowed by blissful cool darkness.

* * *

The next time he woke, he was in his own bed, at the Keep. There were fresh bandages around his chest and stomach, and they looked clean and professional, unlike Cass' makeshift attempts earlier. A cool hand was resting on his forehead, and he looked up into a red-haired woman's serene face.

"Petra?" He sounded weak and shaky, but she smiled. Wynne's former pupil had agreed to leave the Tower and look after the Wardens' needs, when the older mage had been called away on some unspecified errand to Orlais two years ago. She was a competent healer and a pleasant, friendly soul. Nathaniel and his fellow Wardens had grown rather fond of her.

"Yes, it's me. You're home, safe and sound. Well, maybe not entirely sound," she amended. "You took some nasty wounds there. You were lucky they didn't slice your throat, or we wouldn't have been able to save you. Don't move!" She held him back with a stern grip when he tried to sit up. "I did what I could to heal you, but it wasn't easy, two days after the fact. One of the gashes had already become infected. You need to keep still for a few more days if it is to heal properly. And there will be scars, I'm afraid-"

"I don't care about scars!" He interrupted her impatiently. "What do you mean, two days? What happened out there?"

Petra got up with a sigh and walked over to the wash stand in the corner to scrub her hands clean. "You'll have to ask your wife or one of the guards for details. From what I gather, Cass killed at least half of the beasts with her magic. Rafe and Harry sounded pretty impressed. Said she froze them all with just a quick flick of her wrist." She walked over to the door. "I'll let her know you're awake."

Nathaniel closed his eyes with an embarrassed groan. _Cass._ Of course she would have dealt with the shrieks. _Maker knows, she's faced worse enemies before._ _The Champion of Kirkwall, vanquisher of the Arishok, slayer of dragons and wyverns._ Only now did he realize he hadn't thought of her in these terms for years. His cheeks began to burn in shame as he thought back to his words in the courtyard in Denerim, not even a week ago. _Some fine protector you are, Nathaniel Howe!_

His injuries still caused him pain, but they were as nothing compared to the burning wound to his pride. When Cass came in, he could hardly face her.

"Nathaniel!" There was so much warmth, so much sheer joy and love in her voice that he relaxed a little. With infinite care, she bowed over him and kissed him. "Thank the Maker! I'm so glad you're better."

"Cass, I'm sorry. I..." He didn't know how to finish the sentence, but she understood him without the need for words.

"Don't be, Nathaniel." Her smile was genuine. "No one is blaming you. And it did me good to prove I'm not helpless on my own."

Ignoring his sigh, she reached for a wooden cup filled with water. "Come on, love, have something to drink. Is there anything else you need? Are you hungry?"

He nodded. "Like a bear. And I need to..." He broke off, flushing deeply. "Maybe Petra could-"

"Nonsense." Cass frowned. "I'll help you." She reached for the bedpan and stopped when she heard his embarrassed groan. "Nathaniel Howe! May I remind you that you were there when I gave birth to Mal? You've seen me naked on my back, sweaty and bloody and disgusting. I'm sure we both can deal with me helping you pee."

For a moment he was too stunned to speak, but then the absurdity of his behaviour hit him and he began to laugh, a low chuckle at first that turned into a loud guffaw when their eyes met. Cass couldn't stifle a grin either.

"Come on." She kissed him gently. "Let's get this over with. I'm sure I'll survive."

* * *

The next morning Mal was allowed up to see him, but Cass had to hold the boy back to keep him from barrelling straight into Nathaniel's bandaged chest. She had explained patiently that Daddy was hurt and needed to be treated with care, but Mal was still far too young to remember such exhortations when all he wanted was to fly into Nathaniel's arms. After a few careful cuddles, the boy became bored and bounced off to play outside.

Nathaniel recovered speedily thanks to his Warden constitution, but Petra was adamant that he needed more rest and wouldn't let him leave his bed. He moaned and complained, but Cass made sure he followed the healer's orders. When she took off her clothes on the night of the third day, however, the thin cloth of his pants did little to hide his reaction.

Cass glanced over at him and smiled. "Well, it seems you're feeling better."

Nathaniel grinned. "A lot better, actually." He pushed himself up on his elbows and reached for her.

But Cass was on top of him in a flash, pinning him down with her body, her voice husky and raucous. "Shhh! Don't move. Remember what Petra said."

His grin turned into a moan when she rubbed herself all over him, sliding slowly deeper. Her lips touched him through the linen, and he was almost instantly fully hard. Cass smiled appreciatively.

Nathaniel couldn't believe how good her mouth felt on him, her soft bites and nibbles, her warm breath, the wetness of her tongue. Her hands were busy stroking the insides of his thighs, her fingers occasionally brushing against his balls. He buried his fingers in her hair, pulling her closer, begging for more, but she refused to be rushed.

Only when his moans turned to whimpers did she finally pull down his pants in one swift movement, baring him to her touch. No longer able to restrain himself, he bucked up hard into her mouth. Cass hissed briefly and murmured a few words under her breath.

To his complete surprise, he suddenly found himself unable to move, held back as if by invisible bonds. "Andraste's ass, Cass, what are you-"

She smiled up at him, unperturbed. "I told you not to move."

Nathaniel was trembling all over. She rarely ever used her magic on him, unwilling to risk awakening bad memories. But _this_... it was unlike anything he'd ever known. He felt completely helpless, totally at her mercy, and at the same time it was the most exciting thing she'd ever done to him. Cass was the one setting the pace, and he could do nothing but enjoy what she offered him. And she knew what he liked, knew him so well that she took him to his peak in record time, releasing the spell only seconds before he came. He actually lost track of his surroundings for an instant, losing himself in the blinding, crystal-clear pleasure she gave him.

When Nathaniel opened his eyes again, he felt so heavy and tired he could hardly move. He tried to kiss her, to caress her soft breasts, but his hands wouldn't obey him and he ended up pawing ineffectually at her neck.

He groaned in frustration. "Maker, Cass. I don't know how you put up with me. I feel so useless. I'm such a complete failure."

Cass shook her head. "Don't, love. I don't need you to be perfect all the time. There will be plenty of opportunities for you to make it up to me. Just like there will be plenty of times when you save me or protect Mal." She looked at him earnestly. "Promise you'll let it go. Please, Nathaniel."

He swallowed and nodded. It wouldn't be easy. Yet at the same time it was as if a burden was lifted from his chest. With a sigh of relief, he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

* * *

_Many, many thanks to zevgirl, who's not only an amazing beta but also a really good friend._


	18. Reunion

**Chapter 18 - Reunion**

Cass almost couldn't believe it when Nathaniel reminded her. _Five years_. Five years since she'd left Kirkwall behind after the Chantry Explosion and Anders' death. Five years at Vigil's Keep, working with the Wardens, helping them any way she could with the daunting task they had taken on. Five years as Nathaniel's wife, living happily at his side.

But also five years without her company of trusted friends who had meant so much to her back in Kirkwall. When Nathaniel suggested reuniting them for the occasion, having a party in the country house they had recently bought near Amaranthine, Cass' face lit up with happy anticipation. How good it would feel to see them all again! Varric, Isabela, Merrill, Fenris. Aveline and Donnic if they could make the crossing from Kirkwall, maybe even Carver. She hadn't seen her brother more than two or three times since she'd left. He was a Knight-Captain now, confident and successful, no longer a sullen boy with a grudge against his sister.

She had expected all kinds of difficulties in contacting and persuading them all, but to her surprise they all seemed to feel the same need to meet again, to celebrate their friendship, to mourn the ones who were gone. Letters were exchanged between Ferelden and the Free Marches, a date was agreed on, and even Isabela promised to arrive in time.

When the big day approached, Cass and Nathaniel set out a few days in advance to open up the house and prepare for their friends' arrival. Mal stayed behind at Vigil's Keep, Sigrun having offered to look after him. The boy was perfectly at home among the Wardens. He'd grown up at the Keep, surrounded by stories of their heroic exploits. Most of them regarded him as a kind of mascot and spoiled him rotten, no doubt because they regretted never having children of their own.

No, there was no need to worry about Mal, and Cass and Nathaniel thoroughly enjoyed their break from parenting. It was a pleasant change, they agreed, to be able to have another glass of wine at night, talk a little more freely, stay up as long as they wanted without the prospect of being woken at the break of dawn.

"You know what else is nice about being on our own?" Cass' expression was positively mischievous. They had spent the evening in the study, a cosy room whose walls were lined with bookshelves full of musty, leather-bound tomes. A fire was burning merrily, and they had enjoyed a long talk, sharing a glass of a fine Antivan red.

Nathaniel raised a questioning eyebrow, and she walked over to where he was leaning against the heavy wooden desk. With a soft purr, she put her arms around his neck and nibbled softly on his lower lip.

"There's no need to lock ourselves up in our room when the mood strikes," she breathed against him.

"Very true." In one swift moment, he switched their positions and lifted her up on the table, so he was standing between her legs. She felt him against her core, warm and already hardening.

"Nathaniel." Her head sank back as he kissed her throat, his hands tugging impatiently at her clothes.

Cass felt a surge of raw desire, and, judging by his trembling hands and darkened eyes, he was feeling much the same. They still made love as often as they could, but in the past four years, they'd had to restrict themselves to their bed, and to the times when Mal was either fast asleep or out with someone else. They both missed the spontaneity of their first few months together.

Now, however... She ground herself against him, locking her legs around his waist, pulling him in closer, so he could feel her arousal through her thin underclothes. He responded with a growl, tearing off her short dress to bare her breasts to his touch. His mouth was hot and greedy on her soft white skin, leaving marks all over her chest and neck where he was suckling and biting her.

Pushing him back she sank down on her knees in front of him and dragged down his pants to free his straining cock. He looked down at her smiling face, groaning when her tongue darted out to touch him.

"Maker, Cass!" He took hold of her head, pulling her towards him, unable to wait.

She took him in deep, the way he liked it best, then slowly withdrew, nibbling on hot, taut skin, keeping up just enough suction to drive him mad. He let her proceed, his face a picture of bliss, but when she increased the tempo, he pulled her up and lifted her onto the table again, getting rid of her smalls in the process.

Never letting go of her gaze, he opened her up, aligned himself carefully and then pushed hard inside her. Cass whined with pleasure as he began to move, taking her higher and higher, robbing her of all her control, reducing her to begging as she neared her climax.

"Nathaniel, please." She moaned against his neck, her hair clinging against her face, helpless with need. "More. Harder, faster, _deeper_. Oh please!"

And then she was falling, her whole body tightening around him, and he gratefully followed her over the edge, his knees buckling with the effort of holding back so long. He kissed her deeply, gathering her close until he had to let go because the position became uncomfortable.

They slept peacefully that night, his body curled around hers in the warmth of their bed.

* * *

Isabela was the first to arrive the next morning, hugging Cass and proclaiming she had never looked better. The two of them immediately withdrew to the salon, trading gossip and salacious stories of Isabela's exploits. Nathaniel smiled broadly when he heard them giggle like schoolgirls. Isabela always brought out this more light-hearted side in Cass, a side few people knew about.

Later in the day, the party from Kirkwall arrived, and then Varric. He had travelled from Highever by wagon, together with Merrill who had settled down in a little cottage in the Coastlands, close to an ancient Elven temple ruin. Finally Fenris rode in from Denerim, enthusiastically welcomed by the others who hadn't seen him in a long time. He looked well, Cass thought, relaxed and healthy and confident. A shadow crossed his face when Varric mentioned Sebastian, but he quickly recovered his composure and steered the conversation towards happier topics.

For a day, everything was much like the old times. The warriors and rogues sparred together in the courtyard, Isabela teased Fenris for not smiling enough, Varric told tall tales, Merrill chirruped happily to Carver about inconsequential details, Aveline complained gruffly about the state of affairs in Kirkwall. They finished off with a sumptuous dinner, ale, cards and whisky. True, the country house's old dining room was far more spacious and comfortable than Varric's suite at the Hanged Man. And once or twice Cass flinched when she realized she was waiting for Anders or Sebastian to chime in on a particular topic. Still, it was almost as if no time had passed at all.

When the evening finally drew to a close, Cass was the last one to retire. She was on her way up to her room when she heard a long, drawn out, and soft moan from the north wing of the house where the guests were sleeping. A moan, followed by a husky, raucous laugh. _Isabela_. But who...?

She knew even before she heard the deep, answering groan. She knew before she peered around the corner and saw a familiar shock of white hair gleam in the lamplight as Isabela was pulling Fenris into her room. Cass only got a short glimpse of the expression on his face, the hunger in his eyes, but the pain cut through her like a lance. Pain and desire. Both so intense she almost cried out.

_Fenris. Fenris, who would be spending the night in Isabela's arms, his long, lean body pressed against her luscious curves, his head thrown back, eyes closed in ecstasy, another groan torn from his lips as he buried himself inside her. Fenris, who was so utterly beautiful in his desire, so magnificent in his arousal, so perfect in his completion. Fenris, whose very name still tore at her heartstrings._

Cass didn't sleep that night. Not for a moment. The images wouldn't leave her mind. She knew it wasn't the first time the two of them had been together, but the knowledge didn't do anything to dull the pain. Of course she didn't expect him to stay celibate just because he couldn't have her. It was probably much better for his sanity to blow off steam with Isabela than to pine after her. And yet...

* * *

She was up at the break of dawn and kept herself busy in the deserted kitchen, cleaning up last night's dishes. She'd just made a huge mug of hot tea and settled down at the table, feeling ready to cry, when Isabela walked in. One look at Cass' face told her all she needed to know.

"So it was you I heard last night. I thought it might have been." The pirate walked up to Cass and gently put an arm around her shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Cass shook her head. "Don't be. I have no right to... I have no right. You are both free to do as you like. I'll be fine."

Of course it wasn't as simple as that, but there was no way she was going to blame Isabela for the consequences of her own decisions.

The pirate sat down next to her with a sigh, filling her own mug with water. "I don't get you, Hawke. How can you just give up a man like Fenris? He's so incredibly-" She broke off at the warning look on Cass' face. "Of course Nathaniel is hot as well. If it were me, I'd have them both."

Cass laughed mirthlessly. "And do you honestly think they'd agree to that? Either of them? Besides, what would people say?"

Isabela shrugged. "I can be... persuasive, and I bet you could find a way too. And who cares what people say?"

"I do." Cass' eyes closed, and for a moment the pain was clearly visible on her fine features. "Please, Isabela, let it be." She attempted a smile. "You should be grateful, you know. Fenris is all yours, if you want him."

But Isabela didn't smile back. "He'll never be mine, Hawke. You know it as well as I do."

Noises from the room next door alerted them to the fact that the others were beginning to wake up and drift in for breakfast. With a last worried look at Cass' pale, withdrawn face, the pirate emptied her drink and walked out to distract them.

* * *

_Many thanks to zevgirl for another quick and thorough edit!_


	19. Relief

**Chapter 19 - Relief**

Fenris lay back, crossing his arms behind his head, and watched as Isabela got dressed, lacing up her corset as tight as she could. It was a sight he'd never tire of. And when she pulled on her long boots, smoothing them over her legs, he felt a familiar twitch of desire, despite their exertions of the night before.

It was funny, he mused. He certainly didn't love her. When he looked at her, it was nothing like the searing pain grabbing his heart whenever he thought of Cass. But he liked the pirate a lot, counted her as one of his closest friends, in fact. And he had thoroughly enjoyed their night together, just like he had back in Kirkwall, when she had first come to his house at night, offering him uncomplicated companionship, pleasure, relief.

It hadn't been easy to meet the companions again. Too many old wounds had been reopened. Being reminded of Sebastian and the horrible end his friend had come to made his chest contract in pain. And watching Cass with Nathaniel all day long, so familiar, so close... The two of them had seemed more affectionate and tender than ever. It was obvious Cass was happy with the life she had chosen.

Fenris had drunk far more than he should have, and when Isabela had kissed him goodnight in front of her room, he hadn't really objected when the kiss turned deeper and more passionate than it should have between friends.

_Isabela's lips on his, her soft, full breast under his hand, her body rubbing against him. Her low moan when he grabbed her harder and followed her into the room, heading for the bed with single-minded purpose. Of course she was more than willing. Her clothes came off in a flash, and when he bent down to taste her, she was already wet, so eager for him, so hot, so sweet. _

_Everything was easy with Isabela. No need to woo her with flowers or compliments. No need to worry about the consequences and ramifications of their time together. No need to talk, just a warm, willing body next to his. He couldn't get enough of her, and she was just as insatiable, letting him have her any way he wanted, though somehow she almost always ended up on top, which was fine with him. The view was spectacular, and her trained muscles clenching around his length never failed to bring him to ecstasy._

He realized it had been far too long since he'd allowed himself such pleasures. There was no room in his heart for anyone but Cass, but his body craved release, closeness, touch. And Isabela had been only too happy to provide it.

"I'll see you at breakfast. Take your time." She smiled warmly at him and left.

It took him the better part of an hour to rouse himself from the pleasant lassitude that had taken hold of him. Finally he rose, got dressed and made his way down the stairs into the dining room. Isabela was engaged in a lively chat with Aveline and Donnic, but she threw him a warning look. Confused, he raised a questioning eyebrow. Just then Cass came in from the kitchen, and he had to stifle a gasp at the sight of her face.

She knew. It was more than obvious. She knew and she cared. Fenris bit his lip. Despite himself, seeing her like this made him oddly happy. Not because he wanted to see her suffer, not because he wanted to punish her. Just because her pain was such clear proof that some part of her heart still belonged to him. To him, not to Nathaniel.

He chided himself for his thoughts immediately, but the curious warmth spreading inside him wouldn't disappear. More than anything he wanted to walk over to her, pull her in his arms, assure her that last night had meant nothing. Instead, he turned away and tried to spare her the humiliation of looking him in the eyes. The room quickly filled with people, and to his surprise, most of the others seemed to notice nothing unusual with Cass. Nathaniel saw it, of course, and frowned at her expression, but his obligations as their host kept him from doing more than squeeze Cass' hand in passing. She visibly perked up at this, though, and Fenris cursed inwardly.

One by one, the guests said their goodbyes, with hugs and kisses and good wishes. Even Carver seemed genuinely sad to leave his sister's side and promised he'd be back for a visit to the Keep. Fenris was the last one to remain. They had agreed beforehand that he'd accompany them back to see Mal. It was several months since he had last seen the boy and he missed him terribly. The atmosphere was tense when they set out, though, and Fenris almost wished he could go back to Denerim instead.

* * *

They arrived at Vigil's Keep in the early evening. Mal was still awake. Sigrun had allowed him to keep a lookout for them from the gatehouse window, so when they rode through the gate, he was already running to meet them at full speed.

"Feeeen! Fen!" Without a single glance at either Cass or Nathaniel, the boy threw himself at Fenris who had just descended from his horse. He caught the boy in his arms and proceeded immediately to throw him high up into the air. Mal laughed out loud, and he couldn't help but join in, a feeling of sheer joy bubbling up from deep inside him.

Cass smiled at the child's enthusiasm and the loving, happy expression on Fenris' face, but Nathaniel grunted something unintelligible, looking hurt and offended.

"Don't take it personally, Nathaniel." Cass put her hand on his sleeve in an effort to smooth his ruffled feathers. "Of course Fenris is far more interesting than we are. They haven't seen each other for months."

Nathaniel threw her a dark look and withdrew his arm. "I'm not taking anything _personally_, Cass," he bit out between clenched teeth. "Don't patronize me."

Fenris put the boy down and pushed him toward his mother who embraced him tightly. Eventually Mal found time to greet them all and some of the tension wore off. They had a peaceful dinner together, and Fenris was easily persuaded to read three bedtime stories to Mal instead of the usual one. The boy went to sleep with a happy smile on his face, and Fenris, who would spend the night in the Keep's guest quarters, prepared to take his leave.

But Nathaniel stopped him on the doorstep, a clear challenge in his voice and posture. "You're spoiling the boy, Fenris, granting his every wish. You need to be stricter with him, or he will be insufferable next week, when you're gone."

Fenris closed his eyes. For a moment, rage welled up inside him and it took all his self-control not to shout out what he was thinking. _Maker's balls, Howe, you have the boy all year round. And now you're jealous, because he's happy to see me? He's mine, don't forget that! _But he didn't say any of this aloud. The dark scowl on Cass' face told him he wouldn't have to.

"I'll keep it in mind, Howe." His voice was dry as he turned to go. "See you tomorrow at the hunt."

* * *

It had become a tradition of sorts for them to go hunting together whenever Fenris was at the Keep. Not a grand hunt for deer and boars, just a pleasant morning in the forest, tracking down small game and birds. A few pheasants would make for a lovely dinner, and it never hurt to keep their survival skills honed.

Nathaniel took his bow, of course, and Fenris traded his greatsword for a heavy hunting knife and a sling. A few of the Keep's servants and freeholders joined them, eager for a share in the prey, and for the first time ever, Mal was allowed to join them, his little practice bow in hand. Cass stayed at home.

"I can hardly hunt rabbits with fireballs," she laughed, when Mal asked her to come. "And I'm just not as good as you are with a bow." The boy grew several inches at her flattery, and she kissed him tenderly goodbye. "Be safe, all of you."

They set out together, but soon they split up into smaller parties, following the trails of various small animals through the forest undergrowth. Fenris smiled inwardly when he saw Mal's eager little face, scrunched up in concentration. The boy seemed determined not to make a noise as he was following Nathaniel up a forest path.

Fenris soon found himself on his own, and that suited him perfectly. He managed to take down a squirrel and a pheasant with his sling, then he rested a while, enjoying the cool forest air, before he followed a small creek up to their designated meeting spot.

Nathaniel was already there, a number of dead birds tied together with string thrown casually over his shoulder. He nodded a greeting, when he saw Fenris, but then he blanched. "Fenris. Where is Mal? Didn't he go with you?"

He shook his head, an icy feeling spreading in his stomach. "Last time I saw him he was right behind you."

Their eyes met and they both nearly panicked. The boy wasn't even five years old. If he had lost his way out here...

"We need to find him. Quick. He can't have gone far." Nathaniel was shaking, but he held on to his control.

Fenris nodded. Within minutes, they had called all the others together and begun to organize a systematic search. Abandoning all stealth, they combed the woodland, crying out the boy's name. It was a constant struggle not to think of all the dangers that could have befallen such a small child out alone in the forest. _A fall down a ravine. A foot caught in a poacher's trap. A wildcat defending her young. Bandits or outlaws hiding in the wilderness._ Fenris fought to keep the image of a child's broken, bloodied body out of his mind, but it kept coming back with increasing force and frequency, and he found himself choking back a sob.

On and on he walked, calling out for Mal, trying to spot the boy's white linen shirt between the trees, but without success. He had nearly given up when he heard a small, frightened cry. Frozen in place he listened to determine where it was coming from, hardly daring to breathe until he heard it again and was able to pinpoint its location. Without hesitation he followed the noise, bursting through the undergrowth, until he came upon a little clearing. Woodcutters had cut down the larger trees, leaving only a few mossy stumps and some young saplings. It was an idyllic place, with the sun shining and pretty wildflowers covering the forest floor.

Mal was perched on top of a large boulder, clinging to the rock, his face smeared with dirt and tears. He was shaking with fear, but seemed otherwise unharmed. With a deep sigh of relief, Fenris walked over and lifted him into his arms.

"Fenris!" He could feel the little body melting into him. "There was a squirrel, a fat, grey one, and I went after it, and then Daddy was gone, and I couldn't find him." Mal's lip began to tremble. "I looked everywhere, and then I got here, and I climbed up the rock so the wolves wouldn't get me, but then I couldn't get down again and..." Unable to go on, he burst into tears.

"Shhhh." Fenris calmed the child as best he could, at the same time raising his voice to give the signal to the others and let them know he had found Mal.

Nathaniel was with them in a flash, almost tearing the boy from Fenris' arms and hugging him close. "Mal! Maker, your mother would have killed me if... Are you alright?"

He looked up and his eyes met Fenris'. Each of them could clearly read the joy and relief on the other's face. An unspoken accord passed between them. There would be no more jealous squabbles.

* * *

_Many thanks to zevgirl!  
_


	20. Loss

**Chapter 20 - Loss**

"Cass!" Nathaniel's ragged scream tore her right out of her deepest sleep. Instinctively, Cass summoned a wisp of light in order to see what was threatening them. But there was nothing to see except for his frightened face, his wide-open eyes staring sightlessly at her, his body trembling, his breathing irregular.

"Cass." His voice sounded strangled. "You're here. Oh Maker, I thought..." His voice trailed off, and he rubbed his eyes with a sigh.

"Nightmare?" Still groggy with sleep, she pulled him into a close embrace. He was shaking all over, and she gently shushed him, her fingers stroking his back in small circles until he began to calm down under her touch. As soon as she felt him relax, she drifted off back to sleep, her lips brushing against his forehead. The wisp faded and it grew dark again.

Nathaniel remained awake, though. Unshed tears were glittering in his eyes.

When Cass woke in the morning and found him nestled close to her, she frowned. It was the fourth or fifth time this month that he had woken like this in the middle of the night, sweat-soaked and shivering. He never shared his dreams with her, but she knew from his screams they were horrible, knew they involved her and Mal, and the darkspawn attacking. Over and over.

When she'd asked him about the nightmares, he had just shrugged it off. "Warden stuff. I'm used to it, Cass. As you should be, after all those years."

And of course he was right. Bad dreams were part and parcel of the life of a Warden. She just couldn't remember them ever being quite so frequent. But when she kept badgering him, it just made him angry.

Cass' frown deepened. It wasn't like him, really, to be so testy, so aggressive. Usually he could be relied on to break the tension with a joke or a kiss whenever they were quarrelling. For him to snap back at her like this... She ran her hand over his sleeping face. He was hot to the touch, almost feverish.

He moved in his sleep and his shirt slid down over his shoulder. It was then that she saw it. A small patch of skin, marred by a dark growth that had never been there before. Nothing big or dramatic. But her heart froze. She knew what it meant. Knew why he hadn't told her earlier. Knew that he had tried to protect her.

"No." A whisper at first, but then she was crying out loud. "No. Please, Maker, no."

Her cry woke him. When he opened his eyes and saw the expression on her face, he sighed, his face full of pain. His arm tightened around her and he bit his lip hard. "It is time, Cass. I'm sorry."

"Don't be." She swallowed. "Don't ever be sorry."

They huddled closely together, too overcome to speak or cry.

* * *

Nathaniel prepared for his final journey with his usual thoroughness. Everything was settled, everything was in good order. Yet when he was ready to leave, a surprise was waiting for him.

Loghain turned up at their doorstep, pack in hand, and wouldn't be dissuaded from joining him. "I won't have much longer, Nate. And I'd rather go with you now, face our final battle together. I never wanted to die in my bed anyway."

Cass understood what he was saying, but his words only increased her impotent fury. Easy for Loghain to be philosophical about dying. He was old, he'd lived his life. Unlike Nathaniel who would have to leave his wife and son behind, who had so much to live for.

Of course she had always known it wouldn't last forever. But she had always told herself they would have a few more years. Some Wardens, the lucky ones, lived up to thirty years after their Joining, she had heard, and she had hoped against hope that Nathaniel would be one of them. She had hoped he would be there to see Mal grow up. Their son was only nine years old, too young to lose his father. Yet all her ranting and crying couldn't put off the inevitable.

One last time Nathaniel took Mal in his arms, hugged him hard and admonished the boy to take good care of his mother. One more time he pulled her close and kissed her passionately. "Don't cry, Cass. You've made me happier than I ever thought I'd be."

Then they were gone. Cass stared after them, pressing Mal's hand in hers, until she could no longer make out their silhouettes on the road. She felt numb. It was a beautiful, sunny day, crisp and clear. Perfect weather for travelling. Somehow that only made it worse.

* * *

In the beginning, she caught herself pretending he was away on a routine mission and would be back in a few weeks. It was easier that way. And then something would happen, she would notice some little detail that reminded her that he would never come back, and the pain cut through her like a blade.

She'd rage against the Maker in these moments, shout furiously at him for taking away the man she loved, for robbing Mal of his father. Even though she knew it was futile, she couldn't escape the endless questions that echoed in her brain. _Why him? Why now? What have I done to deserve it? What could I have done differently? _

Cass lay awake at night, tormented by guilt and regret. If only she had left Kirkwall long before she did, and they'd have had a few more years together. If only she had never quarrelled with him about banalities, never wasted any of their time together. And that last one, the worst: If only she hadn't dreamt of another man, maybe she wouldn't have been punished like this.

Always there was this empty space where he should be. An empty place at the table, an empty wardrobe in their room, and an empty bed at night. It took her weeks to realize she couldn't stay at their house any more. She had to get away from the memories. Her and Mal both. Cass decided to move to the old country house outside Amaranthine. More than anything she wanted to be left alone.

* * *

When a lone rider cantered up toward her house one day several months later, her initial reaction was to feel annoyed, even angry. _Who would have the nerve to show up here?_ She had made it abundantly clear to all her friends that she didn't want company. As he got closer, she realized the rider was wearing Templar armour, and for a moment, her heart froze in fear.

But then he reined in his horse and took off his helmet, and she breathed a sigh of relief, while at the same time, her irritation surged anew.

"Carver?" Her brother was quite possibly the last person she had expected.

"Sister." He walked toward her, dusty from the road, his handsome face looking tired and serious. And then he surprised her by sweeping her into a tight hug. "Cass. I'm so sorry." He didn't say anything else, simply held her close, and she hung on to him, trembling, unable to speak.

Later, when he had cleaned up, they sat together in her study, a little of the usual awkwardness between them already returning.

"Well, this was a surprise." Cass shook her head. "I never thought you would-"

"I had to." Carver glanced over at her, fiddling with his glass. "I know you've always prided yourself on your independence, Cass, but I thought this might be one of the times when you need your little brother. You can't do everything alone. And Maker knows, there aren't many Hawkes left."

"That is true." Her face softened. "I'm glad you're here. And I'm sorry if I sounded harsh just now."

She let her gaze run over him. He had definitely changed. Carver had always been strong and powerful, but there was a new calm confidence in him that made him truly impressive. _No longer "little Hawke."_ She almost smiled, recalling Varric's old nickname for him.

"You know, I was so angry at you, when Mother died." His words tore her out of her memories. "I kept thinking it was your fault, that you should have taken better care of her, realized earlier what was happening, got to her before that bastard..." His voice broke and he was breathing heavily.

Cass felt a familiar surge of anger. "Trust me, this is nothing I haven't told myself-"

"I know." His face was earnest. "I know, and I wanted to apologize. I never got it back then. You always had all the answers, and you'd go on all those exciting adventures. Mother was so worried about you all the time. Everything was about you, and I hated you for it. But you didn't really have a choice, did you?"

She shrugged. "Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't. But Carver, don't make it all about Mother. Maker knows, she wasn't as perfect as you like to think."

"No, she wasn't," Carver admitted grudgingly. "But then, neither was Father, for all that you've always worshipped him. That deal he made with the Wardens was a little too close to blood magic for my comfort."

Cass sighed. "It wasn't... Look, Carver, I don't really want to quarrel with you again. We've lost so much. Father, Bethany, Mother."

"And now Nathaniel. Such a shame he was a Warden. I liked him, you know. I'm sure you miss him terribly." Carver's voice held genuine concern, but Cass flinched. Subtlety and tact would never be her brother's strong suit. _Well, Nathaniel would have said it runs in the family. _Cass smiled inwardly. She knew Carver meant well. And it was true; he was all the family she had left. He and Mal.

"Come on, little brother." She rose and beckoned him to follow her. "I bet your nephew will be happy to see you. How long can you stay?"

* * *

_Many thanks to zevgirl for her suggestions on this, and for keeping an eye on punctuation and grammar. You're the best!  
_


	21. Too Easy

**Chapter 21 - Too Easy**

Cass kissed Carver goodbye with a heavy heart when he left two weeks later. Still, part of her was relieved he was gone. She was ready to admit his company had done her good, had even helped her heal a little. But now she needed time alone, time to cry, to grieve, to feel sorry for herself.

She only allowed herself that luxury at night, though, in the loneliness of her room when the lights were out. During the day, all her concern was focussed on Mal. Taking care of the boy kept her going, forced her to function when all she wanted was to curl up and ignore her daily duties. He needed her, she was responsible for his well-being, and Cass had never shirked a responsibility in all her life.

At the same time Mal was yet another source of worry. At nine years of age, the boy was dark and quiet, a lot like Nathaniel in fact. More than once strangers had proclaimed him to be the spitting image of his father, despite his vibrant green eyes. He was bright and could be charming, but he already had a tendency to keep to himself, to fight his battles alone. Now, with Nathaniel gone, he seemed determined not to show his pain.

Cass was desperately afraid he would forget his father, so she tried to keep Nathaniel's memory alive by telling him stories of their time together, happy memories of their life as a family. Whenever she could, she reminded him of what Nathaniel would have said or done.

But Mal had become difficult lately, rolling his eyes at her whenever she mentioned Nathaniel. When he failed to turn up before dark one night, she nearly panicked, sending out the servants to look for him, only to have him stride in nonchalantly two hours after the time they had agreed upon. Cass couldn't help it. All her pain and frustration broke out in an angry tirade about punctuality that left the boy largely unimpressed.

"Oh, is it really that late?" He grinned sheepishly at her.

"You bet it is!" Cass couldn't believe her ears. "If only your father was here! He would know how to talk to you."

"But he isn't!" Mal's voice was so raw that she instinctively stepped back. "He isn't here and he won't come back. No matter how much you talk about him. He's gone!"

Her first impulse was to scream back, to tell him how ungrateful he was, how cruel, how heartless. But somehow she managed to catch herself just in time. Something in the desperate little face held her back. When he rushed out of the room without another glance at her, she let him go. But she was deeply worried.

* * *

Cass was walking along the manor's gallery, hung with portraits of long dead noblemen, when she heard Mal laugh out loud, for the first time in weeks. Looking out through the window, Cass could hardly believe her eyes. There he was, racing happily across the courtyard, followed by a familiar lanky figure. _Fenris_.

A fierce anger rose within her. Walking down the stairs to greet Fenris, she fought desperately to keep her temper until she was alone with him. As soon as the study door closed behind them, she was hissing at him.

"What are you doing here, Fen? Do you expect me to sink into your arms now that he's gone? Is that it? Are you happy that he's finally out of the way?"

Fenris blanched, but something in her face must have told him that she was at the end of her tether, and he took a deep breath. "No, Cass. I just came to tell you I'm here for Mal. And for you. The Queen has granted me an extended leave, and if you want me here, I'll stay. And I'm sorry about Nathaniel, I truly am."

She stared at him, though for a moment she didn't see him at all, blinded by the sudden onslaught of pain. Then she curled up with a tiny helpless sob. He caught her just in time before she sank down to the floor and held on to her as fast as he dared.

"Maker, Fenris, I miss him so much. And when I think of him, down there, surrounded by darkspawn, fighting until he can't fight any more, until they tear him to pieces..." Her voice broke and Fenris pulled her closer to his chest, stroking her hair, making soothing little noises.

"I'm sure it was quick." There was a hitch in his voice. She desperately wanted to believe him, even though she knew he was lying for her sake. "And he had Loghain with him. He didn't have to face it alone."

She hid her face against his chest, glad for his comforting warmth. When she pushed him back a while later, she had calmed down.

"Will you let me stay?" He sounded tentative, almost shy, and suddenly she was ashamed. Recalling Mal's happy, excited face, she silently berated herself for her selfishness. She had no right to deprive her son of the one person who could get through to him now, just because she wanted to wallow in her grief.

She nodded. "Of course. I'll have the maid prepare a room for you."

* * *

Fenris' presence proved to be a blessing for Mal. The two of them spent hours hunting, sparring or reading together, and while it pained Cass to see somebody else taking Nathaniel's place, she knew it was for the best. Mal was far too young to focus solely on his grief; he needed someone who would laugh with him, have fun with him, without making him feel guilty. She knew she had made the right decision when her son came up to her room one afternoon and silently climbed up in her lap where he started to cry.

And if she was honest, she, too, enjoyed Fenris' company. They talked a lot, in the evenings, when Mal was asleep and it was just the two of them, sitting in front of the fireplace in her room. Fenris had changed, she found, become mellower toward mages, no doubt aware that his own son could very well turn out to be one of them. Nothing would ever be able to make him forget the things that had been done to him by the magisters, but he was no longer as bitter as he had been. The career in the Queen's Guard suited him, and he visibly enjoyed the respect his skills had earned him. He was his own person now, no one's follower, and his new-found self-confidence made him easier to talk to, less touchy, more relaxed.

Or maybe it was that she had changed as well under Nathaniel's influence, become less blunt and aggressive, though even now no one would ever accuse her of being overly tactful. They still fought, almost every night. But they had learnt to recognize when the fiery repartee began to spiral off into something darker, more destructive, and most of the time one of them managed to stop it.

But it was a slow process, and there were still times when their newly found diplomatic skills failed them. One night, about two months after his arrival, they got into a particularly nasty quarrel. Fenris had proposed to take Mal to Denerim for a few days, but Cass wouldn't hear of it. Neither of them wanted to give in, and within minutes they were shouting at each other at the top of their voices.

"Blight it, Cass, can't you be reasonable for once?" Fenris was trembling with rage. His hands were clenched into fists as if he was desperately fighting the urge to shake her. "Maker, woman, if you go on like this, I'll-"

"You'll do what?" Cass' tone was scathing. "You wouldn't have dared speak to me like this while Nathaniel was alive!"

Fenris flinched as if she'd hit him. They both fell silent, and Cass flushed deeply when she realized what she had said. She opened her mouth to apologize, but Fenris gestured at her to remain quiet.

When he finally spoke, his face was unreadable, his voice calm and uninflected. "He sent me here, you know."

"What do you mean?" Cass' eyes narrowed.

"Nathaniel. He came by my quarters on his way to Orzammar and asked me to come here, to look after you. He didn't want you to be alone."

She felt another surge of fury. "Oh, he didn't, did he? It's nice to know the two of you had it all worked out so nicely. I wonder whether it occurred to either of you to ask me. Do you honestly think you can just replace him? That's a bit too easy, isn't it?"

Fenris hissed in frustration. "That's not... You're impossible! I don't know what else to say or do, I really don't!"

"Then get out of here! Leave me alone!" Cass' eyes flashed with anger.

He stormed out of the room without a glance back. Cursing her quick temper, Cass took a deep breath, her rage already abating. She knew she was taking her frustration out on him. _He doesn't deserve this. I have no right to treat him like this_.

And yet... sometimes she wondered if they didn't both crave it from time to time, the heat, the rage, the passion. The passion. If anything, their fights proved it was still there. They had hardly touched in the weeks since his arrival, but of course she'd noticed the way Fenris was watching her whenever he thought she wasn't looking.

Cass sighed. It seemed nothing would ever be easy between the two of them. But if it was true, if Nathaniel... Her throat tightened. She curled up on her bed and silently cried herself to sleep.

* * *

_Many thanks to zevgirl who always makes time to read my stuff. You are such a big help!_


	22. My Choice

**Chapter 22 - My Choice**

Cass was watching Mal and Fenris, seated together on the sofa, their heads close together as they were reading an old, well-worn book. _The Adventures of the Black Fox._ Cass smiled. This had been one of her childhood favourites, full of swashbuckling adventures and captivating characters_. Dashing Lord Remi, taking from the rich Orlesian lords and giving to the poor, hiding his true identity behind his mask. The lovely mage Servana, love of his life, his loyal friend Karolis... _Such a beautiful story, and the two of them were wholly engrossed in it, their eyes shining with delight at the recounting of yet another of the Fox's heroic deeds.

"Almost bedtime, Mal." Cass felt like a spoilsport, but it was already late, and she knew that, without her exhortation, they would sit here until the boy's eyes fell shut of their own accord.

"Just a moment, Mum, we've almost finished this chapter! It won't take long!"

Mal didn't even look up from the page, just huddled closer to Fenris. When he pointed out a particularly amusing passage with a giggle, Fenris smiled and buried his face in Mal's thick thatch of black hair to hide his happiness.

Cass sighed, caught for a moment between irritation and affection, but then the latter won out. They were just too adorable together. She was eternally glad she had taken the time to teach Fenris, back in Kirkwall, when he had first confessed that he didn't know how to read. Those evenings together in the old Amell estate were amongst her most precious memories.

_Fenris, sitting at her feet on a sheepskin rug, in front of a roaring fire, close enough they could share a book but never touching. His deep voice, hesitant at first, struggling with the individual words, caught up in the torturously slow process of making the letters join together until they magically turned into words. Then, as he grew increasingly more confident, his voice growing more melodious, only occasionally getting stuck on a particularly long or difficult word. The sheer joy in his eyes when he realized he was making progress, the enchantment of having a whole new world opening up to him. A world full of stories, dreams, ideas._

They had started slowly with simple tales but then progressed to more complex books. He'd soaked it all up, novels, religious treatises, histories and tactics manuals, so eager, so full of curiosity. To see this enthusiasm mirrored in the face of her son, their son... Cass smiled wistfully.

_Of course it wasn't all happiness and butterflies. Fenris was impatient at times, furious when things didn't go as well as he wanted, and almost ready to give up more than once. But she was merciless, even though he glared at her when she insisted he keep on trying. Cass was a hard taskmaster, always challenging him to do more and struggle harder, and he was so mad at her for it. So mad at himself, too, for what he perceived as a weakness._

_And sometimes..._ Cass shivered at the memory. Sometimes the sheer proximity had been so hard on both of them. Here they were, just the two of them in the peace and quiet of her house, so close, so companionable, so happy together, yet never able to touch, to take that little step further and become more than friends. She had tried so hard to respect his wishes, but Maker, it had been torture on some nights! She remembered the yearning, the constant temptation, the pain and frustration when he'd left and she'd retired to her lonely bed, dreaming of him and the night they'd spent together.

Mal's eager voice called her back to the present. They had finished the chapter, and it was high time for the boy to go to bed. "What are we going to do tomorrow, Fen? Will you take me to the market? Nan said Master Mercer will be there, with a litter of mabari puppies."

Fenris agreed with a chuckle, even though it would mean getting up at dawn and walking a considerable distance to the little town where the market was held. Cass marvelled at his never-ending patience. He couldn't seem to get enough of his son's company, as if he wanted to make up for all the years when he had stepped back, allowing Nathaniel to take his place. Not for the first time Cass wondered how much this had cost him. Watching his son call another man _Daddy_, seeing him only now and then, unable to influence any of the decisions they made. It had to have been painful.

Cass felt a pang at the sight of their happy faces. So many decisions she had made over the years, and no way of knowing whether she had been right... All she had ever wanted in life was for things to be easy, clear-cut, either black or white. But it had never worked out that way. Everything had become so hopelessly muddied, and whatever she had done, she had always ended up hurting someone...

Mal kissed her goodnight and ambled toward the door, but then he turned back to Fenris with an excited grin. "Oh, Fenris, I just remembered! Summerday is coming. We can all-"

But Fenris shook his head. "I won't be here for Summerday, Mal."

He turned to Cass, his face sombre. "I need to go back to Denerim soon. The Queen has been more than generous, but I can't stay forever. She'll want her guard at full strength for the festival."

Cass nodded, feeling numb. Of course he had to leave at some point. She and Mal would be alone again, with no one but the servants for company. Not that she was afraid of being on her own - after all, she could defend herself perfectly well. But they had grown used to having Fenris around, she and Mal both. Maybe it was time to pack up their belongings and move to Denerim, open the townhouse again.

Mal was complaining loudly, and Fenris was looking expectantly at her, but she didn't have any answers for them right now. With a sigh, she got up and went out on the terrace, closing the door behind her. She needed to be by herself for a while.

It was a balmy spring evening, and it was peaceful and quiet out here. _Going back to Denerim._ Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. It would be nice to see the city again. Fenris would be nearby, Mal could play with other boys his age, and she could go out again, meet interesting people, find something worthwhile to do.

She had come out here on purpose six months ago, seeking out the solitude of the old house, but she was getting tired of the quiet life. She would never belong here. The squires making their home in the surrounding countryside would never accept anyone who hadn't lived here for at least four generations. It had been fine as long as Nathaniel was there. He was a Howe, and his name still carried weight around here. But with him gone, they saw little enough reason to socialize with her. They were suspicious of her, the way she dressed, eschewing the customary widow's weeds, the company she kept... Just last night her maid, Elin, had informed her of the neighbours' latest gossip about her and _that elf_.

"What is it they say?" Cass had been amused at first, amused and curious. "Come on, tell me, Elin."

"They say..." Elin had swallowed. "They say it's a shame about poor Ser Howe, and that you have wasted no time in moving on."

Cass' initial reaction had been fury and contempt. _Stupid, inbred country bumpkins, jumping to conclusions and sticking their noses into other people's affairs!_

But now she wondered. Was it too early to move on? It was true, Nathaniel hadn't even been gone a year. Should she stay here until it no longer hurt to think of him, until the memory of him had paled? Or had she maybe already moved on, in her heart? Did that mean she was callous and superficial?

Aveline's words after Leandra's death came back to her. The guard captain had been one of the few to find the right thing to say. _As much, or as little as you want, no one tells you how to mourn. And when someone tells you, 'move on', you take their hand and say 'my choice'._

Back then, she had taken this to mean she should take her time to get over her mother's death and not be rushed by anyone. Now Cass realized it worked both ways. She alone could decide when to move on, when to take another step. No one else determined when she was ready, no nosy neighbour, no official period of mourning. It was up to her.

Looking at the sky, watching the stars, she remembered nights like this, back when Nathaniel was with her, holding her close. His arms around her, his warmth at her back, his lips brushing against her neck. His hoarse voice whispering naughty suggestions in her ear while his hands danced across the front of her dress, teasing, trying to tempt her back inside. Cass bit back a sob.

_The heart is a curious thing_. If she had been able to choose freely, back in Kirkwall, without any restraints imposed upon her by circumstances, she would have sent Nathaniel on his way and chosen Fenris. Not without regrets, but without hesitation. And yet Nathaniel had given her so much happiness in the past ten years, had become such a perfect mate for her, such a wonderful father for Mal... He had never been second best. Her tears were flowing freely now.

No, she wasn't done mourning Nathaniel. Maybe she never would be. Living without him, without his love and companionship, was so incredibly hard on some days she wanted to cry. But Cass was no stranger to loss. Just like after Bethany's death, after Leandra's horrible end, she knew she would go on living. It didn't get any easier with each person she lost, but she would find a way, simply because she had to.

She needed time to think, but sooner or later she would make up her mind what to do. About Fenris. About Mal. About her future.

_My choice._

* * *

_Hugs to zevgirl - I'm so grateful for your help!  
_


	23. Full Circle

**Chapter 23 - Full Circle**

Cass was sitting at her dressing table, when Fenris walked into her room a few nights later. She was busy disentangling her long hair, cursing when it got caught in the ribbon that had held it back during the day.

"Let me help you." He stepped behind her, a faint smile on his face and carefully let his long, slim fingers trail through the tangles. "There." He put the ribbon aside, but didn't let go of her hair, burying his hands in the long tresses, breathing in her scent. Cass closed her eyes and leaned back into his touch. Tentatively, he began to massage her scalp, lightly at first, then with more pressure. Cass sighed with relief. She had missed this so much, the feeling of being touched, the tenderness.

She heard the tiny hitch in his breath at her sigh, and looked up at him over her shoulder. His eyes were fixed on her, pupils blown wide. Slowly she stretched out her hand, cupping his face, and pulled him down for a brief, shy kiss. His lips were soft and sweet, and Maker, he _tasted_ so good. Without thinking, Cass let him drag her up into a loose embrace, her lips joining his in a second, deeper kiss.

His hands ghosted over her neck and down to her breasts, hesitant and restrained, but her body's reaction was so urgent he had to feel it, even through the fabric of her gown. A shudder ran through him and his hand firmly closed over her breast, gently kneading until she was trembling just as much as he was.

And then he pulled back. "Cass. Let's not rush this." She gasped in protest, but he smiled, his rare, true smile. "We have time. I'll see you tomorrow."

Cass leant back against the wall with a frustrated sigh that soon turned into a sad little laugh. Fenris was right. They both needed time to think.

* * *

All night long she tossed and turned on her sheets, unable to find peace, tormented by doubts and regrets while she was awake and by passionate dreams whenever she fell asleep.

In principle, she agreed with Fenris. For the first time since they had met, there was no need to rush things, to tumble into each other's arms at the first provocation. For the first time, they could actually think about this, make sure it was what they really wanted. And she wasn't certain of her feelings by any means.

The wound left by Nathaniel's departure was still fresh. She remembered every little thing about him, the way he'd smile at her in the mornings, his kisses, the confidences they had shared. For almost ten years, Nathaniel had been everything to her, friend, lover, partner. Cass knew that most people would think her heartless and indecent for even considering being with another man so soon.

Yet at the same time she was lonely, desperately lonely. She'd gotten used to a presence at her side, someone to hold her during the day and to warm her bed at night. Someone to share her life. She was so very tired of being alone. Her body craved tenderness, stimulation, the rush of arousal. Cass was a passionate woman who had always enjoyed a man's touch.

And this wasn't just any man. She'd loved Fenris for longer than she could remember. He had waited patiently all those years, never criticizing her decision to be with Nathaniel, never trying to come between them. He was her son's father. And she still wanted him with an almost frightening intensity.

Cass sighed. She could think of little else but his kiss, of the way her body had responded to him. Maker, how could he be so calm, so controlled? When she saw him at breakfast, he smiled at her tired face, his expression serene. Nothing in his words or his demeanour indicated that he even remembered the night before. Only a slight flutter of his eyelids betrayed his agitation when he touched her hands as he passed her a plate of fried eggs.

He spent the morning teaching Mal how to fight, using a small wooden sword. Cass envied him the vigorous physical exercise. She watched them for a while, but then decided that seeing Fenris roll gracefully around in the dirt did nothing whatsoever for her peace of mind.

It was worse at lunch, and even a brisk walk in the afternoon didn't help her clear her head. Neither potion-making nor reading her favourite book was enough to distract her. Fenris seemed to be everywhere she went, and whenever their eyes met, it was like a jolt straight to her core.

As the day went on, Cass realized she had been fooling herself. There was no way she could approach this rationally. Her mind, sharp as it was, wouldn't help her solve this problem.

Finally it was evening, and he knocked on her door. The moment their eyes met she knew there would be no more talking. Without a word she walked over to him and put her arms around his neck. His hands settled on her hips as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And then his mouth found hers and Cass stopped thinking, stopped trying to make sense of it all. There was just him, his lips, his hair, so soft and silky in her hands, his hard body pressing against hers. When her fingers touched his sensitive ear, he growled, a low noise deep in his throat, and easily gathered her up in his arms. A few quick steps took them to her bed.

Lying back on the sheets, she looked up at him, feasting her eyes on him as he threw off his tunic and leggings, his body just as beautiful, just as perfect as it had been ten years ago. He followed her onto the bed, perched above her like a magnificent predator, lithe and sleek and dangerous. And all the time his eyes were fixed on her face, drinking in the sight of her, taking note of every sigh and quiver as he pushed aside the fabric of her dress, baring her to his touch.

Fenris was still controlled, taking it slow, his hands trembling only slightly as they mapped out her body, caressing every inch of her soft white skin. She raised a hand and touched his chest, marvelling at the smoothness of his skin, its subtly different texture, the hardness of his muscles just under the surface. It felt so good to explore him without urgency, to take in all the little details, the way his stomach tensed when she ran her fingers along his hipbone, the choked little noise from his throat when she finally took hold of him. He sighed with pleasure as she stroked along the length of him, but when she increased the pressure he caught her wrist and shook his head.

"I've waited for so long, Cass. I need you, all of you." His words, spoken in that deep, vibrant voice of his, made her shiver with anticipation, and when he slid between her legs, she was ready for him, eager to feel him deep inside her.

"Fenris, please!" He smiled at her impatience, but he didn't hesitate any longer, burying himself inside her to the hilt in one long thrust.

She couldn't even scream. It was so good, so incredibly perfect, the way he filled her, completed her, made her whole again. When he began to move, she matched him stroke for stroke, every inch of her responding to his proximity. On and on he thrust, reducing her to a shuddering mass of sheer helpless need. Her magic surged up, and she held on desperately, keeping it just below the surface, trying to force it back. Fenris tensed when he felt her power tug at his skin, ready to be unleashed.

"Let go. Do it." His voice was rough. "I can't tell you how often I've dreamed of this."

"I won't be able to stop it," she gasped. "If you want to stay in control-"

"I trust you, Cass. With all my heart." The look in his eyes was so intense, so open that Cass had to swallow, but then she nodded.

The surge of magic hit them both with a primal force that exceeded all their expectations. Cass' powers had grown considerably since Kirkwall, and even then their encounters had been mind-blowing. Now she could _see_ bursts of raw energy race along his markings, his head snapping back in a rush of pleasure so intense that it must have bordered on pain. Cass had already been close before. Now, with the added stimulation of magic, the heat inside her exploded in a white-hot flash of light and pure, ecstatic joy. The flare engulfed them both, blinding, overwhelming, ungovernable, obliterating all thought and emotion.

But once it was over, Cass was surprised to discover that she could gather her magic back to her and wrap it around both of them like a warming blanket, enveloping both their bodies within the energy they had created. It was the most extraordinary feeling, a soft, sweet tingle completely unlike the wild rush that had come before. Fenris kept very still in her arms, and she realized he could feel it to, this closeness, this warmth. Neither of them spoke until the feeling had finally subsided. They fell asleep almost immediately.

When Cass awoke, the room was nearly dark, only a few dying embers glowing in the fireplace. Without thinking, she crept closer to the warm body next to her and curled up against his chest. It was then that it registered. Smooth, silky skin, the raised pattern of the tattoos easily traceable even in the dark. _Fenris_. Not Nathaniel. Her body went rigid.

"Shhh, Cass." He was awake. "What's the matter?"

She shook her head, her throat too tight to speak. Fenris sighed and gently pushed back a strand of hair from her face. For a long time he just held her, waiting for her to stop sobbing.

Finally he pulled her up so that he could kiss her forehead. "Cass, please listen to me. I'm not asking anything of you right now. But it does you no good to lock yourself up here. Come with me to Denerim, Cass. I don't know if I can make you happy. I'm not even sure whether we can make it work at all. All I know is I love you."

Catching her gaze, he sighed and kissed her. "Maybe in time we can build a life together. You, me and Mal. Please?"

Shaking with emotion, she nodded and let him pull her into a firm, sure embrace. There were no words that could express everything she was feeling. Grief, love, pain, guilt, relief. In the end, she settled for hope.

* The end *

* * *

_Many, many thanks to all of you who have stuck with me until the end, reading and reviewing, faving and alerting. I'm hugely grateful to all of you; your support means a lot._

_And the biggest hug of all to zevgirl who has helped me find my way through yet another story. You are the best beta I could wish for!_


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